Born On Christmas Day

Addelia "Addie Rose" Brown, 12-25-10, 10:24 AM, 6lbs 11 oz., 19 1/4 inches long

The story behind her name.....Addie is Daniels great-grandmothers name- and we just liked it. It had an "A" for Avery and "D" for Denton. Rose is my mamaw's name. After that was decided, Avery was very passionate about naming his baby sister Lia, so we combined the two names. He seemed to be happy with that. However, I am not so sure Daniel is, and she will always have to tell people how to pronounce/spell her name.....but that's ok.....I have to tell people how to spell mine all the time!

Our Miracle Baby surely made a statement by making her appearance at 10:24 AM on Christmas Morning. I can't believe how much differently my heart feels as I am writing this sixteen days after my last post. Maybe it was coincidence, but I truly feel that God and Denton were trying to make a statement by helping Addie make her appearance on such a special day.....My Dr. was even on call on Christmas Day!!!!!

Christmas Day is always my favorite day of the year, but I will never forget Christmas day 2010. I had gotten up about 1:45 and gone to the bathroom and felt fine. At 2:48 my water broke and it felt like a grenade exploded, it almost felt like it made a sound even though I was sound asleep! I tried to take a couple of pictures of Avery tearing into his Santa stuff, because with all the commotion he obviously woke up. I was actually calm, but Daniel and my Dad were having panic attacks. I started having contractions about three minutes apart about half way to Murfreesboro. I will also never forget the since of peace that I felt in my heart. My head tells me to be very cautious, way over protective, and diligent in checking and touching and moving this miracle baby every thirty seconds or so, but I do have a since of peace that I did not think I would have.

I do feel very blessed despite the tragedy we have been faced with. Little Addelia "Addie Rose" Brown is truly a miracle baby! I can't believe she is really here!!!!

Avery is so loving and careful and I am so proud of him. He is a wonderful big brother just like he was with Denton. I will still never forget the look on his face when he held Denton for the first time. That moment is still the most beautiful moment of my life. Followed closely behind by the second he adamantly said, "Can I hold Addie, I held Denton by myself!"

Addie is such a laid back baby so far.....She eats and sleeps, and eats and sleeps, she is even sleeping three or four hours at night and I have to wake her up to eat. She cries very little and has even smiled several times when she wakes up a little after eating.

She is so beautiful, and we are so happy that she is here. I just want to get past these first three months even though I don't want them to rush by, I just want her to be bigger and stronger......

I am back....Updates....Grief.....and Hope!

Well….. It has been about 30 weeks since I have posted on my blog. I have not had words to describe the emotions that we have been through in those thirty weeks, continue, to go through, and will face in the next few weeks or days. The last time I posted, I had a sneaking suspicion that I was pregnant. The first nine weeks of the pregnancy did not go well. I will spare everyone from the details, but my first ultrasound showed and empty amniotic sac and no baby. We waited three weeks for another ultrasound and in the mean time I was told that my hormone levels, which would indicate a successful pregnancy, were very low. My OB decided to schedule me for a D&C. To say the least I was a mess!!!!!!!! Two beautiful nurse friends of mine (Donnett and Angie) encouraged me to not give up, so we scheduled the D&C, but I persuaded our Dr. to do one last ultrasound and that’s when the “experienced” ultrasound tech found a nine week old baby and a strong heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daniel and I, were quite speechless, but, I think in our hearts (but not our minds) we knew that things were really ok. Our Dr. was speechless and told us that in her 25 yrs of experiences that she had never seen this outcome based on my blood tests and first ultrasound. She held a meeting with her colleagues, and hopefully changed some practice procedures. It just makes us wonder how many women have D&Cs without waiting or have them unnecessarily based on a few lab tests.

Our Dr. has been wonderful since…..she has been overly cautious and extremely compassionate based on our circumstances and after losing Denton.

EXCITING

So, we are expecting a little girl, Addelia Rose, anytime!!!!!! Addie is Daniel’s great-grandmother’s name. Of course he did not know this till I pointed it out. Avery wanted to name his little sister Lia, so we compromised! The Rose comes from my Mamaw. We will call her Addie Rose. There are also “A’s” for Avery and “Ds” for Denton!

COINCEDENCES

I also want to point out that Denton died on 4-23-09. I hate the 23^rd of each month. I hate the 23^rd minute of every hour, and I pretty much just hate the number 23, but…….Apparently, Addie was conceived on April 23^rd, which, is physically impossible, but that’s what the Dr. says…..Addie and Denton will also be 23 months apart. Crazy…..The Dr. even refers to her as our miracle baby, and I guess I would agree. Anyway……I still don’t like the number 23…..but I guess it’s just a number.

REALITY

I can’t explain the emotions that we are going to feel as we really get ready to welcome this new baby into our lives. I loved her the second I thought I was pregnant. I can imagine her when she is two or three already, and I daydream of the love and fun that we will have when she reaches this age……..BUT our reality, keeps me from dreaming about this too much. I wish that I could let go of my fears. But they are real! The pain of missing Denton and the barriers that I have built up around my heart, and myself are strong and real. I have no idea how I will be able to break these walls down. I know that I love Addie so much, and I miss Denton terribly. When I see a little boy, that would be Denton’s age now, or that is around three months old, I just want to kidnap them. I know that makes me sound like a deranged and bereaved mother, but it is a true reality that I face almost daily.

REAL- THINGS PEOPLE SAY……Compared to how I feel!

I want people to be compassionate towards me, and I do feel entitled to sympathy from others, but no one really knows the pain that I deal with, and the reality of losing Denton. I know my family members are sorry that it happened, but as his mother, my pain is totally different. People seem to think that I should just move on….and be happy……which I wish I could do!!!!! Really, it would be so awesome to just be at peace and be happy. I don’t even know how that would feel anymore…… I do have moments of happiness, and I have experience a few, that I hope I can catch you up on in the coming months.

I can’t explain how much I HATE the medically related mathematical/statistical explanations and decisions that will be made in regards to this child. There is a 1 in 1000 chance that a baby will die of SIDS, but most of them have some type of risk factor. Denton had no risk factors…..We are facing several really big decisions in regards to the care of this baby that are not supported by pediatricians. People say to me all the time, “everything will be fine.” “It is in God’s hands.” “Things will work out.” Well, my reality tells me that things might not be fine……I left Denton in God’s hands…..Things did not work out the way I think that they were supposed to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know that God is with us all the time, I feel that he is sorry for what happened, and that he grieves with us. I know that he is turning our mourning into joy, by giving us this precious baby girl. However, I would much rather have not experienced the pain of losing Denton. I am not in a place right now where I can turn things over to God, and let him take care of things, I am just not. I would like to be there, and I wish that I could just let go of this burden I am carrying around. It is heavy, really, really heavy.

I want to be happy and carefree! What a freeing feeling that would be!!!!!! I totally miss that feeling. To be happy and carefree, oh how I wish I could feel that again.

I know my fears are justifiable, because Avery, makes comments about Addie living. He asks questions about her dying. Just recently he asked if Denton could come back to life. So, I know my fears are not made up, when a six year old boy, feels them too.

Please pray for us…….Please pray that there will be peace in our lives again. Please pray that Addie and Denton outlive me. I can’t lose another child…..I will break! To add to all of my anxiety, Avery is going to have exploratory surgery soon. This all seems like de ja vue……….New baby, and Avery having a surgery….It is just a little too much.

Again, I so, wish I could just relax and enjoy the moments that we will experience……..

My fears are real, my pain is still raw, I am missing a little boy that should be in our lives. That is just real. I don’t know or understand why Denton died. I still can’t believe that it really happened. I can’t believe that I have buried a child, and I don’t like the fact that I have to find ways to love him even thought he is not here physically. I do feel that he is in my heart, and I can feel his presence. I feel sorry for myself……..even though I do know and appreciate how blessed I am. There are a lot of things that I would give up to just have my Denton back in our lives. But, I logically know that is impossible. Maybe someday…..I can come to grips with what happened……One day……………..

If you are reading this, thank you for letting me get this off of my chest. I do apologize for being distant, cranky, and often times hard to understand and be around. I know people try to say things to make me feel better, and that are meant for encouragement or just small talk……I still am not responding well to those types of comments. In regards to being excited about this baby….I am, but I am also fearful!!!!!! I feel like people don’t want to hear that response. “Are you ready for this baby to get here?” Is a questions I hear often…..Well, I am not sure……I am scared! Do people want to hear that??????? When I am truthful with my answer…..I then get….”Well, it’s in God’s hand.” Or “Things will be ok.” My reality tells me differently. So, if I have been short, curt, and seem unhappy, please try to remember what I lost.

I love you Denton…..I miss you……You are always in my heart…..and one day I will be able to love you for all eternity…….

Again, thank you for letting me get this off my chest.

I hope that I can post some more up lifting posts and I plan to update the blog, and highlight the good things that have happened in the past eight months.

We are going to anticipate having a beautiful, healthy, baby girl….and that our family will somehow find peace and happiness…………

Encouragement

Encouragement for myself and others.

“It is a huge danger to pretend that awful things do not happen. But you need enough hope to keep going. I am trying to make hope. Flowers grow out of darkness.” Corita Kent

There are no words to say to fill the emptiness that we all feel after loosing a child. The deep wounded hole that we all carry around in our hearts will always be there. The loss of a child for me was a loss of the future, self, control, safety, peace, confidence, and contentment. To others it may have been all of those things and more. The loss is different for everyone. For me personally, I am a very spiritual person. I have always been spiritual, but I did/do not have an in depth knowledge of the bible and its teachings. My spirituality is a continual journey built on life experiences and my belief in Jesus Christ. In the past year my knowledge has grown exponentially, because of my search for understanding and acceptance of our loss. I can truly understand those of you that might not understand or believe in God, but my belief is that he is real and his ways will make our life on earth bearable. Most importantly, He will make our life supremely happy for eternity.

I grew up understanding the basic principles of being a good person and doing good things for other people – you know the golden rule, and the Ten Commandments. The few times I did attend church, I developed the belief that if I was a good person and did good things for other people, God would bless me and protect me. I thought I was going to be protected from horrible tragedies.

The reality is that God never promised us a life on earth that was free from tragedy and heartache. I have been very angry with God for not saving Denton, but when God allowed Jesus to die on the cross my Denton was saved and given eternal life. My anger is really not justified through being angry at God – I am still angry that Denton died, and I think that God can handle my anger. The tragedy surrounding Denton’s death was not caused by God. It was a horrible earthly tragedy. Yes, God could have worked a miracle and saved Denton, but I would have missed the lessons that Denton’s life and Denton’s death have taught me. I have to believe that God saw the good that was going to come from my loss. Denton was a miracle from God – all children are. If Denton had not passed away, I probably would not ever fully comprehend or appreciate the small wonders and blessings in everyday life. I wouldn’t understand that some things are more important than others. I would not be as compassionate. I would not be encouraged by other people who have faced horrible tragedies and their ability to triumph over them. I would not have the ability to overcome obstacles and trials that I may face in the future.

If I could change what happened I would in the blink of an eye. Nonetheless, I have come to the conclusion that the only good, productive, and positive choice I have the ability to make is to be thankful that Denton was in our lives. I have also learned that I have to be thankful in order to appreciate the small things that happen each day. The alternative choice is resentment, pity, regrets, and sadness. Who wants to live a life full of those feelings?

Choose to be thankful for the life of your child;cherish the experience of knowing your child. Accept the grace that God freely gives and rest assured that one day you will see your precious child. In the meantime enjoy the signs and wonders around you…..I can truly feel Denton’s precious spirit in the birds of the sky, the stars at night, the sunrise in the morning, the bud of a flower, and the kindness of friends.

You are not alone in this walk….there are so many families that loose loved ones, including God himself. John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world, he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” It is amazing to me the many stories in the bible that talk of loosing a child. Then I look at everyday life and I am astonished at how often people loose children to miscarriage, car accidents, disease, and accidents. Until you loose a child you are unaware of how often and how deeply these people must hurt. When you loose a child you are embraced by a world of hurt and pain. I am there, but I am now encouraged by people that are able to move forward and live a life of gratefulness and compassion despite this world they now must endure.

If you are just beginning your walk - it is going to take a while to get to this place. I am a year into my journey, and I am just now able to see the productive “childless” families walking the road ahead of me. For a long time I felt that I was the only one on the road. I encourage you to find someone to encourage you - facebook, your church, a support group, such as Compassionate Friends, or a foundation. There are days of joy, happiness, and grace ahead. You have to make the choice to accept and embrace them as they come. I am so sorry for your loss, as I am for my own.

I leave you with two prayers that have given me strength.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.

- Mary Elizabeth Frye





God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
- Reinhold Niebuhr



“Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” –Nathaniel Hawthorne

I miss you Denton! You are in my heart sweet boy.

Grace

Choices and Ask

I just finished reading, A Grace Disguised. I am glad that my thoughts are not unlike others that have suffered loss. Some of the things that stood out in my mind.....

I still have a long way to go in the grieving process.

I have this horrible feeling that I am alone,that no one understands, and no one cares. I think that after reading this book - people do care, but just like I did, before Denton's death - people don't want to be bothered by a situation, and until they make a conscious effort to be involved in a situation and they are willing to sacrifice time and energy then they normally "conveniently" forget what has happened to others. (That was a great run on sentence :)

So, I think that from now on I will ask myself if I can conscientiously disconnect from a situation, or tragedy without feeling guilty. If my answer is no, then I will understand that I will have to make a conscience effort to sacrifice with a willing and positive attitude. People in tragedy mode do not need help two hours, two days, or two weeks after the tragedy they need help two months, six months, a year, two years, three years......It's everyday that is hard - not just special days like mother's day, birthdays, anniversaries........It's harder six months after than it is two days after. I personally probably went six months on auto pilot - shock mode.

I know that there are a lot of people that I need to do things for, that I conveniently forget about, because it is an inconvenience........I will try to do much better.

I also began reading, I Will Carry You,which was sent by sweet Ella Brown Weaver! And I learned my lesson! I need to ask for help. I just need to ask - usually if I ask I get what I need. Why am I so stubborn. I don't need to deal with loosing Denton by myself. I also don't need to feel like I need to save the whole world by myself - other people want to help....Helping someone is a conscious choice to be inconvenienced, but with a joyous heart.

Prayers....
Thank you God for Avery and Denton. Thank you for Daniel. Thank you for my family and friends. Thank you for birds, flowers, mountains, and blue skies. Please wrap your arms around the mother who lost her baby this week and welcome that child into your arms. I am so saddened by this event, and hope that I can help in someway. Hug my baby Denton - I miss him so much!!!!!!!!Please heal or fix or answer my unspoken request, or give me some peace about it, and give me the strength to get help if needed. Please be with Katie and her family and give strength back to Granby and to their family. Please be with Callie, Jami, and Jason and their families. In your name I pray.

Prayers

My thoughts and prayers are with my friend Katie and her family today, as they care for their beloved, Granby.

I don't have anymore words to say - but I wish I was with Katie, so I could hug her.

Change and Priorities are my words for the day. Life is always going to change, and you have learn how to live with those changes, wether you like them or not. You also have to understand your priorities, and not be overcome by things that don't matter. I should really absorb and practice what I write! Easier said than done.......