Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Its Been a while......
Missing Denton today, and wishing I could be more dedicated to posting things about Addie and Avery before they grow up.
Addie sat up all by herself at Mamaw's on Saturday, Aug. 20. Then she crawled at Mom's.
This is a quick post.....I love my three children so much. I cherish every minute with them even the ones that don't go so well. Like Avery pitching a fit about Dan's supper last night.
Here are a couple of my favorite pictures!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentines
1. Life
2. embroidered cowgirl shirts
3. hungry hippos
4. sunglasses for babies
5. sunshine
6. chocolate covered strawberries
7. family
8. sweet Avery
9. pantry full of food
10. peaceful babies, screaming babies, babies that wont sleep in the night, healthy babies
11. pictures......moments of thanksgiving
numbered wrong......
A recovery supper see earlier post......
2. embroidered cowgirl shirts
3. hungry hippos
4. sunglasses for babies
5. sunshine
6. chocolate covered strawberries
7. family
8. sweet Avery
9. pantry full of food
10. peaceful babies, screaming babies, babies that wont sleep in the night, healthy babies
11. pictures......moments of thanksgiving
numbered wrong......
A recovery supper see earlier post......
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Heavy Heart
22. Heaven
23. My Red Couch
24. A very giving six year old
25. Mimi, Gigi. Pa, Pa Randy
26. light through a window making shadows across a room
27. snuggies
28. friends
29. TR6
30. valentines
31. Aunt Aggie's Cow Patties
32. Chicken n dumplins and deviled eggs for recovery
33. cowgirl curtains
34. wild turkeys
35. blue skies and warm weather
I don't like death and the missing that comes. I have not quite grasped how to give thanks for pain.....I am not Job......more like David and his lamenting.....
23. My Red Couch
24. A very giving six year old
25. Mimi, Gigi. Pa, Pa Randy
26. light through a window making shadows across a room
27. snuggies
28. friends
29. TR6
30. valentines
31. Aunt Aggie's Cow Patties
32. Chicken n dumplins and deviled eggs for recovery
33. cowgirl curtains
34. wild turkeys
35. blue skies and warm weather
I don't like death and the missing that comes. I have not quite grasped how to give thanks for pain.....I am not Job......more like David and his lamenting.....
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Answered Prayer, Gifts, Goals
Avery did really good through his surgery yesterday, his condition was pretty severe, but they are able to fix it. I am so grateful and relived that he is ok. However, he will have to have a second procedure in about six months. That is going to be really hard, because he will know what to expect! He is really confused and irritable today...Nothing is making him happy. Thankful that Daniel came home and made him take a nap. I feel so bad for Avery. I know that he is terribly uncomfortable.
Prayer Journal....
Answered pray #1 Avery is safe, and I had to have God with me yesterday, because I got really emotional, because Avery was so scared and upset. I was able to compose myself, and I am thankful that my prayer was answered.
#2
God, please help Avery to heal,help him try to accept we are trying to help him, and please help him to be happy! Thank you for my children and husband, family, and friends.Please be with Nannee!
Gifts....
11. Good Doctors
12. Sleep
13. Goals
14. Names...meaning....understanding
15. Farmers
16. Cheese
17. Snowstorms
18. Bay and Palomino Horses
19. Cameras
20. Soft blankets
21. Nannees and Poppees
Seed - Naming things....driving nails....will help change resentment into gratitude and may help me to accept the mystery of my life that was so life changing.
Water - I need to be intentional in trying to figure out what God wants me to do. Anything worth doing is hard and hard things take practice....I am going to practice and set some goals for myself...read something on another Baby Lost Mom's blog, http://holybfpbatman.blogspot.com/ , that said that change comes from inspiration or desperation. I have had my change from desperation, now I am going to try to make a change through inspiration.
Bloom - I am inspired to make some positive changes intentionally, and I understand it might not be easy. "If you think of this world as a place intended simply for happiness, you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place of training and correction and it's not so bad." - CS Lewis.
Goal
1. Finish my list from my earlier posts. (Susan)
2. 31 Days to a better blog (Ok, I am putting myself out there.....I want to make some money by writing, so if anybody is out there reading this mess, and you have some connections to writing jobs please help....)"Anything hard takes practice, driving nails"......
3. 101 ways to get freelance work
Monday, February 7, 2011
Accountability, One Thousand Gifts
I need some serious motivation to be productive! I am so thankful to be able to stay home with Addie, but she is so beautiful all I do is hold her and stare at her. I need to be a little more productive and feel like I am in the real world.
Yesterday, two beautiful friends, Mandy and Margi and I, started One Thousand Gifts through the incourage book club www.incourage.me/2011/02/one-thousand-gifts-1.html. The book starts out with a very dark and poignant story about the loss of children, which hits very close to my heart. I know Mandy and Margi think that I probably knew this is how the book started, but I had not read that far. I just thought it was a book of gratitude.....Any how...this is my attempt at following and making concrete my list of 1,000 things I am thankful for.
1. Avery - his sweet caring soul....oh and how he smells so good - boredom leads to spraying moms perfume....a SWEET memory
2. Denton - my beautiful angel that brought only joy to my life.
3. Addie - my beautiful rainbow child - who brought joy back to our broken lives!
4. Daniel - the father of my beautiful children and our provider...
5. Friends - Mandy, Margi, and Katie - for putting up with my sad heart and trying to continue to cultivate a friendship despite my bitterness and lack of hope/belief So, I am going to try to fight my way back to hope......its hard to accept things we don't have answers to when they ARE so life changing.
6. Addie's soft long beautiful arm
7. The crazy little bump in her ear that I DID NOT put there, both ears have it.
8. Avery went from a 40 to 108 on his spelling test despite his "terrible tummy and headache"....way to improve little buddy!
9. Birds
10. Mamaws and Papaws
Now for my list of goals!
Today...
1. Take down the Christmas Tree
2. Love Avery and Addie
3. Make Avery is favorite supper bowtie pasta
Tomorrow
Have faith and know that everything will be ok with Avery and his procedure. Be calm and love Avery and Addie.
Wednesday and beyond.......
1. Take care of Avery and Addie
2. Farm Bureau Article
2b.DGB tax letters
3. Finish addressing and mailing Addie's Announcements
4. Thank you notes - Amanda Willmore, Aunt Karen, Susan, Virginia, Margi, Beverly, the Brown Ladies,Bang Bang
5. Write Leila
6. Unspoken - will report later if I have success....
7. DGB 5 K Planning - Check out Striders, would welcome help from anyone
8. Find a traveling partner for Peacock Strides for SIDS
9. Call Stephanie, Tiny Handprints
10. Finish Crossstich for Denton and Avery
11. Start Crossstich for Addie
12. Make Addie a dress
13. Exercise - this should be higher on my to do list
14. Prayer journal, to record the answers to my prayers......answered or not....have gratitude and not resentment.
15. Work with Zip and take Avery to a horse show
I just needed to make a list for myself...Need to see that I am accomplishing some things.
So thankful for my three children, husband, and friends.
My feelings may not be seen on the outside, but I am thankful and blessed, I do feel gratitude for my MANY BLESSINGS, and I will strive to find grace even in situations that I would not have chosen, or that I would have changed the outcome of. STRIVE, STRIVE, STRIVE
Please keep Avery in your prayers tomorrow. Please also pray that Addie does not get sick, we have no choice other than to take her with us. So many things are the same as when Denton was born....Avery had his tonsils out when Denton was about eight weeks old. It is hard to face the possibility that something could happen to your child, and I know too well that things can. I am struggling with faith, so please lift us up in prayer.
God please keep Avery safe tomorrow, and give me strength to be calm and love Avery through this! (Prayer journal entry #1)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
There is an empty stall in my barn that no matter how many horses walk through it in the future - it will never be full again. "Mr. Muscles", No Cost To Invest - AQHA #2588257, passed away sometime on the night of January 14th. He was the greatest horse I have ever ridden; the greatest horse I will ever own. I have ridden some good ones, but Muscles could do it all. He was so smart, so talented, and so athletic. Oh, how I just wish you could scratch your head on me one last time..........
He could watch what was going on in an arena and figure out what he was supposed to do whether it was a showmanship class or a reining class. Many people witnessed this....whether it was a showmanship class with 36 entries where he waited for over an hour for the judge to turn in a score card and then decided he had to pee. Or the many times we watched a reining class warm up and he went in the class and out stopped every horse, without having practiced on good ground like all of the other "real reiners". He tolerated the crazy things I asked of him like standing cooperatively for more than two hours in Ft. Worth when I decided to tie in a fake mane so he would look like a real reiner.....He also frustrated me several times, but all three occasions taught me or someone else a lesson......The first time I showed him he cut off one of Lisa Brown's student's that was winning a BIG Hunter Under Saddle Class....Lesson learned it was just a horse show and there will always be another. The second time was when I rode him too much ( like ten hours without getting off) and he had to pee so bad that he couldn't change leads, which we had practiced 40,000 time in the ten hours previous....(Lesson learned- life is going to be full of losses) Needless to say somethings are just not meant to be.....I never was supposed to be the Congress Queen. The third disappointment ended up being a success.....In 1999 the first time I showed him in the Amatuer Versatility at the Congress he blew GREEN SNOT all over the judge's white coat, I said to her and laughed."I guess that got us some bonus points,"other than that it was the best showmanship pattern we ever did. We ended up placing 10th, but that judge placed us in the top five! Lesson learned - work through adversity.
(Please excuse my pronoun usage)
I won't forget finding some place to ride you on Christmas night after Dad and Matthew went to "secretly" pick you up......It was so cold, but I was so excited and glad that I pitched a fit and made Dad sell the truck he bought and get you instead!
I will never forget the time you spooked in the parking lot at the Dixie Nationals and knocked my feet out from under me and managed not to step on me as I slipped under your feet.
I won't forget the time Dad showed you and beat Karen Mundy in Showmanship at Dixie Nationals!!!!!!
I won't forget the many wins we had. I won't forget beating Benny Sargent in the Open Reining at the Big A.....
I won't forget the first time I ever rode you....trying you out at the Congress and someone across the pen full of hundreds of horses said "woa" and you locked it up and I about fell off.
I won't forget the time we went to a REAL REINING with the Hutton's and earned $18 in NRHA Money! I also won't forget almost falling off warming up the night before because you stopped so hard.
I will never forget the drive back from our escape from Oklahoma, no air conditioning and 110 degrees, and the flat tire we had on the trailer in the middle of rush hour in Nashville.
I will not forget the day after Denton died and I didn't know what else to do except to ride Mr. Muscles. I won't forget Susan coming to ride/"learn how to do reining" with me the fall after Denton passed to ease my mind and heartache. You were there to help me through the hardest times of my life..............
You taught so many people how to ride (really ride).....Me, Kendall, Kerri, Susan. You gave many first rides to people.
I won't ever forget......so many memories.
I love you Mr. Muscles, you were the source of great joy and successes in my life. I was very blessed to have you in my life!!!!!!! You had such a big heart! I KNOW GREAT HORSES WILL LIVE AGAIN......I will see you in heave
The last pictures taken of Muscles were taken on Denton's Angel Day, April 23, 2010....what a coincidence.......
These pictures are the last good ones I took of Muscles (4-23-10, Denton's Angel Day, and in November 2009 - Susan Shemwell - up)Mr.Ben Young was the last person to ride Muscles in October - I won't forget the smile on his face when he turned him around- I wish I had taken a picture that day. I have worn that smile many times.
I will post more pictures later......
You are going to be missed old friend!
Don't Cry For The Horses, by Brenda Riley-Seymore
Don't cry for the horses
That life has set free
A million white horses
Forever to be
Don't cry for the horses
Now in God's hands
As they dance and they prance
To a heavenly band
They were ours as a gift
But never to keep
As they close their eyes
Forever to sleep
Their spirits unbound
On silver wings they fly
A million white horses
Against the blue sky
Look up into heaven
You'll see them above
The horses we lost
The horses we loved
Manes and tails flowing
They Gallop through time
They were never yours
They were never mine
Don't cry for the horses
They will be back someday
When our time has come
They will show us the way
On silver wings they will lift us
To the warmth of the sun
When our life is over
And eternity has begun
We will jump the sun
And dance over the moon
A Ballet of horses and riders
on the winds
to a heavenly tune
Do you hear that soft nicker
Close to your ear?
Don't cry for the horses
Love the ones that are here
Don't cry for the horses
Lift up your sad eyes
Can't you see them
As they fly by?
A million white horses
Free from hunger and pain
Their spirits set free
Until we ride again
He could watch what was going on in an arena and figure out what he was supposed to do whether it was a showmanship class or a reining class. Many people witnessed this....whether it was a showmanship class with 36 entries where he waited for over an hour for the judge to turn in a score card and then decided he had to pee. Or the many times we watched a reining class warm up and he went in the class and out stopped every horse, without having practiced on good ground like all of the other "real reiners". He tolerated the crazy things I asked of him like standing cooperatively for more than two hours in Ft. Worth when I decided to tie in a fake mane so he would look like a real reiner.....He also frustrated me several times, but all three occasions taught me or someone else a lesson......The first time I showed him he cut off one of Lisa Brown's student's that was winning a BIG Hunter Under Saddle Class....Lesson learned it was just a horse show and there will always be another. The second time was when I rode him too much ( like ten hours without getting off) and he had to pee so bad that he couldn't change leads, which we had practiced 40,000 time in the ten hours previous....(Lesson learned- life is going to be full of losses) Needless to say somethings are just not meant to be.....I never was supposed to be the Congress Queen. The third disappointment ended up being a success.....In 1999 the first time I showed him in the Amatuer Versatility at the Congress he blew GREEN SNOT all over the judge's white coat, I said to her and laughed."I guess that got us some bonus points,"other than that it was the best showmanship pattern we ever did. We ended up placing 10th, but that judge placed us in the top five! Lesson learned - work through adversity.
(Please excuse my pronoun usage)
I won't forget finding some place to ride you on Christmas night after Dad and Matthew went to "secretly" pick you up......It was so cold, but I was so excited and glad that I pitched a fit and made Dad sell the truck he bought and get you instead!
I will never forget the time you spooked in the parking lot at the Dixie Nationals and knocked my feet out from under me and managed not to step on me as I slipped under your feet.
I won't forget the time Dad showed you and beat Karen Mundy in Showmanship at Dixie Nationals!!!!!!
I won't forget the many wins we had. I won't forget beating Benny Sargent in the Open Reining at the Big A.....
I won't forget the first time I ever rode you....trying you out at the Congress and someone across the pen full of hundreds of horses said "woa" and you locked it up and I about fell off.
I won't forget the time we went to a REAL REINING with the Hutton's and earned $18 in NRHA Money! I also won't forget almost falling off warming up the night before because you stopped so hard.
I will never forget the drive back from our escape from Oklahoma, no air conditioning and 110 degrees, and the flat tire we had on the trailer in the middle of rush hour in Nashville.
I will not forget the day after Denton died and I didn't know what else to do except to ride Mr. Muscles. I won't forget Susan coming to ride/"learn how to do reining" with me the fall after Denton passed to ease my mind and heartache. You were there to help me through the hardest times of my life..............
You taught so many people how to ride (really ride).....Me, Kendall, Kerri, Susan. You gave many first rides to people.
I won't ever forget......so many memories.
I love you Mr. Muscles, you were the source of great joy and successes in my life. I was very blessed to have you in my life!!!!!!! You had such a big heart! I KNOW GREAT HORSES WILL LIVE AGAIN......I will see you in heave
The last pictures taken of Muscles were taken on Denton's Angel Day, April 23, 2010....what a coincidence.......
These pictures are the last good ones I took of Muscles (4-23-10, Denton's Angel Day, and in November 2009 - Susan Shemwell - up)Mr.Ben Young was the last person to ride Muscles in October - I won't forget the smile on his face when he turned him around- I wish I had taken a picture that day. I have worn that smile many times.
I will post more pictures later......
You are going to be missed old friend!
Don't Cry For The Horses, by Brenda Riley-Seymore
Don't cry for the horses
That life has set free
A million white horses
Forever to be
Don't cry for the horses
Now in God's hands
As they dance and they prance
To a heavenly band
They were ours as a gift
But never to keep
As they close their eyes
Forever to sleep
Their spirits unbound
On silver wings they fly
A million white horses
Against the blue sky
Look up into heaven
You'll see them above
The horses we lost
The horses we loved
Manes and tails flowing
They Gallop through time
They were never yours
They were never mine
Don't cry for the horses
They will be back someday
When our time has come
They will show us the way
On silver wings they will lift us
To the warmth of the sun
When our life is over
And eternity has begun
We will jump the sun
And dance over the moon
A Ballet of horses and riders
on the winds
to a heavenly tune
Do you hear that soft nicker
Close to your ear?
Don't cry for the horses
Love the ones that are here
Don't cry for the horses
Lift up your sad eyes
Can't you see them
As they fly by?
A million white horses
Free from hunger and pain
Their spirits set free
Until we ride again
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Born On Christmas Day
Addelia "Addie Rose" Brown, 12-25-10, 10:24 AM, 6lbs 11 oz., 19 1/4 inches long
The story behind her name.....Addie is Daniels great-grandmothers name- and we just liked it. It had an "A" for Avery and "D" for Denton. Rose is my mamaw's name. After that was decided, Avery was very passionate about naming his baby sister Lia, so we combined the two names. He seemed to be happy with that. However, I am not so sure Daniel is, and she will always have to tell people how to pronounce/spell her name.....but that's ok.....I have to tell people how to spell mine all the time!
Our Miracle Baby surely made a statement by making her appearance at 10:24 AM on Christmas Morning. I can't believe how much differently my heart feels as I am writing this sixteen days after my last post. Maybe it was coincidence, but I truly feel that God and Denton were trying to make a statement by helping Addie make her appearance on such a special day.....My Dr. was even on call on Christmas Day!!!!!
Christmas Day is always my favorite day of the year, but I will never forget Christmas day 2010. I had gotten up about 1:45 and gone to the bathroom and felt fine. At 2:48 my water broke and it felt like a grenade exploded, it almost felt like it made a sound even though I was sound asleep! I tried to take a couple of pictures of Avery tearing into his Santa stuff, because with all the commotion he obviously woke up. I was actually calm, but Daniel and my Dad were having panic attacks. I started having contractions about three minutes apart about half way to Murfreesboro. I will also never forget the since of peace that I felt in my heart. My head tells me to be very cautious, way over protective, and diligent in checking and touching and moving this miracle baby every thirty seconds or so, but I do have a since of peace that I did not think I would have.
I do feel very blessed despite the tragedy we have been faced with. Little Addelia "Addie Rose" Brown is truly a miracle baby! I can't believe she is really here!!!!
Avery is so loving and careful and I am so proud of him. He is a wonderful big brother just like he was with Denton. I will still never forget the look on his face when he held Denton for the first time. That moment is still the most beautiful moment of my life. Followed closely behind by the second he adamantly said, "Can I hold Addie, I held Denton by myself!"
Addie is such a laid back baby so far.....She eats and sleeps, and eats and sleeps, she is even sleeping three or four hours at night and I have to wake her up to eat. She cries very little and has even smiled several times when she wakes up a little after eating.
She is so beautiful, and we are so happy that she is here. I just want to get past these first three months even though I don't want them to rush by, I just want her to be bigger and stronger......
The story behind her name.....Addie is Daniels great-grandmothers name- and we just liked it. It had an "A" for Avery and "D" for Denton. Rose is my mamaw's name. After that was decided, Avery was very passionate about naming his baby sister Lia, so we combined the two names. He seemed to be happy with that. However, I am not so sure Daniel is, and she will always have to tell people how to pronounce/spell her name.....but that's ok.....I have to tell people how to spell mine all the time!
Our Miracle Baby surely made a statement by making her appearance at 10:24 AM on Christmas Morning. I can't believe how much differently my heart feels as I am writing this sixteen days after my last post. Maybe it was coincidence, but I truly feel that God and Denton were trying to make a statement by helping Addie make her appearance on such a special day.....My Dr. was even on call on Christmas Day!!!!!
Christmas Day is always my favorite day of the year, but I will never forget Christmas day 2010. I had gotten up about 1:45 and gone to the bathroom and felt fine. At 2:48 my water broke and it felt like a grenade exploded, it almost felt like it made a sound even though I was sound asleep! I tried to take a couple of pictures of Avery tearing into his Santa stuff, because with all the commotion he obviously woke up. I was actually calm, but Daniel and my Dad were having panic attacks. I started having contractions about three minutes apart about half way to Murfreesboro. I will also never forget the since of peace that I felt in my heart. My head tells me to be very cautious, way over protective, and diligent in checking and touching and moving this miracle baby every thirty seconds or so, but I do have a since of peace that I did not think I would have.
I do feel very blessed despite the tragedy we have been faced with. Little Addelia "Addie Rose" Brown is truly a miracle baby! I can't believe she is really here!!!!
Avery is so loving and careful and I am so proud of him. He is a wonderful big brother just like he was with Denton. I will still never forget the look on his face when he held Denton for the first time. That moment is still the most beautiful moment of my life. Followed closely behind by the second he adamantly said, "Can I hold Addie, I held Denton by myself!"
Addie is such a laid back baby so far.....She eats and sleeps, and eats and sleeps, she is even sleeping three or four hours at night and I have to wake her up to eat. She cries very little and has even smiled several times when she wakes up a little after eating.
She is so beautiful, and we are so happy that she is here. I just want to get past these first three months even though I don't want them to rush by, I just want her to be bigger and stronger......
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