Accountability, One Thousand Gifts

I need some serious motivation to be productive! I am so thankful to be able to stay home with Addie, but she is so beautiful all I do is hold her and stare at her. I need to be a little more productive and feel like I am in the real world.

Yesterday, two beautiful friends, Mandy and Margi and I, started One Thousand Gifts through the incourage book club www.incourage.me/2011/02/one-thousand-gifts-1.html. The book starts out with a very dark and poignant story about the loss of children, which hits very close to my heart. I know Mandy and Margi think that I probably knew this is how the book started, but I had not read that far. I just thought it was a book of gratitude.....Any how...this is my attempt at following and making concrete my list of 1,000 things I am thankful for.

1. Avery - his sweet caring soul....oh and how he smells so good - boredom leads to spraying moms perfume....a SWEET memory
2. Denton - my beautiful angel that brought only joy to my life.
3. Addie - my beautiful rainbow child - who brought joy back to our broken lives!
4. Daniel - the father of my beautiful children and our provider...
5. Friends - Mandy, Margi, and Katie - for putting up with my sad heart and trying to continue to cultivate a friendship despite my bitterness and lack of hope/belief So, I am going to try to fight my way back to hope......its hard to accept things we don't have answers to when they ARE so life changing.
6. Addie's soft long beautiful arm
7. The crazy little bump in her ear that I DID NOT put there, both ears have it.
8. Avery went from a 40 to 108 on his spelling test despite his "terrible tummy and headache"....way to improve little buddy!
9. Birds
10. Mamaws and Papaws

Now for my list of goals!
Today...
1. Take down the Christmas Tree
2. Love Avery and Addie
3. Make Avery is favorite supper bowtie pasta

Tomorrow
Have faith and know that everything will be ok with Avery and his procedure. Be calm and love Avery and Addie.

Wednesday and beyond.......
1. Take care of Avery and Addie
2. Farm Bureau Article
2b.DGB tax letters
3. Finish addressing and mailing Addie's Announcements
4. Thank you notes - Amanda Willmore, Aunt Karen, Susan, Virginia, Margi, Beverly, the Brown Ladies,Bang Bang
5. Write Leila
6. Unspoken - will report later if I have success....
7. DGB 5 K Planning - Check out Striders, would welcome help from anyone
8. Find a traveling partner for Peacock Strides for SIDS
9. Call Stephanie, Tiny Handprints
10. Finish Crossstich for Denton and Avery
11. Start Crossstich for Addie
12. Make Addie a dress
13. Exercise - this should be higher on my to do list
14. Prayer journal, to record the answers to my prayers......answered or not....have gratitude and not resentment.
15. Work with Zip and take Avery to a horse show

I just needed to make a list for myself...Need to see that I am accomplishing some things.

So thankful for my three children, husband, and friends.

My feelings may not be seen on the outside, but I am thankful and blessed, I do feel gratitude for my MANY BLESSINGS, and I will strive to find grace even in situations that I would not have chosen, or that I would have changed the outcome of. STRIVE, STRIVE, STRIVE

Please keep Avery in your prayers tomorrow. Please also pray that Addie does not get sick, we have no choice other than to take her with us. So many things are the same as when Denton was born....Avery had his tonsils out when Denton was about eight weeks old. It is hard to face the possibility that something could happen to your child, and I know too well that things can. I am struggling with faith, so please lift us up in prayer.

God please keep Avery safe tomorrow, and give me strength to be calm and love Avery through this! (Prayer journal entry #1)

There is an empty stall in my barn that no matter how many horses walk through it in the future - it will never be full again. "Mr. Muscles", No Cost To Invest - AQHA #2588257, passed away sometime on the night of January 14th. He was the greatest horse I have ever ridden; the greatest horse I will ever own. I have ridden some good ones, but Muscles could do it all. He was so smart, so talented, and so athletic. Oh, how I just wish you could scratch your head on me one last time..........

He could watch what was going on in an arena and figure out what he was supposed to do whether it was a showmanship class or a reining class. Many people witnessed this....whether it was a showmanship class with 36 entries where he waited for over an hour for the judge to turn in a score card and then decided he had to pee. Or the many times we watched a reining class warm up and he went in the class and out stopped every horse, without having practiced on good ground like all of the other "real reiners". He tolerated the crazy things I asked of him like standing cooperatively for more than two hours in Ft. Worth when I decided to tie in a fake mane so he would look like a real reiner.....He also frustrated me several times, but all three occasions taught me or someone else a lesson......The first time I showed him he cut off one of Lisa Brown's student's that was winning a BIG Hunter Under Saddle Class....Lesson learned it was just a horse show and there will always be another. The second time was when I rode him too much ( like ten hours without getting off) and he had to pee so bad that he couldn't change leads, which we had practiced 40,000 time in the ten hours previous....(Lesson learned- life is going to be full of losses) Needless to say somethings are just not meant to be.....I never was supposed to be the Congress Queen. The third disappointment ended up being a success.....In 1999 the first time I showed him in the Amatuer Versatility at the Congress he blew GREEN SNOT all over the judge's white coat, I said to her and laughed."I guess that got us some bonus points,"other than that it was the best showmanship pattern we ever did. We ended up placing 10th, but that judge placed us in the top five! Lesson learned - work through adversity.

(Please excuse my pronoun usage)

I won't forget finding some place to ride you on Christmas night after Dad and Matthew went to "secretly" pick you up......It was so cold, but I was so excited and glad that I pitched a fit and made Dad sell the truck he bought and get you instead!

I will never forget the time you spooked in the parking lot at the Dixie Nationals and knocked my feet out from under me and managed not to step on me as I slipped under your feet.

I won't forget the time Dad showed you and beat Karen Mundy in Showmanship at Dixie Nationals!!!!!!

I won't forget the many wins we had. I won't forget beating Benny Sargent in the Open Reining at the Big A.....

I won't forget the first time I ever rode you....trying you out at the Congress and someone across the pen full of hundreds of horses said "woa" and you locked it up and I about fell off.

I won't forget the time we went to a REAL REINING with the Hutton's and earned $18 in NRHA Money! I also won't forget almost falling off warming up the night before because you stopped so hard.

I will never forget the drive back from our escape from Oklahoma, no air conditioning and 110 degrees, and the flat tire we had on the trailer in the middle of rush hour in Nashville.

I will not forget the day after Denton died and I didn't know what else to do except to ride Mr. Muscles. I won't forget Susan coming to ride/"learn how to do reining" with me the fall after Denton passed to ease my mind and heartache. You were there to help me through the hardest times of my life..............

You taught so many people how to ride (really ride).....Me, Kendall, Kerri, Susan. You gave many first rides to people.

I won't ever forget......so many memories.

I love you Mr. Muscles, you were the source of great joy and successes in my life. I was very blessed to have you in my life!!!!!!! You had such a big heart! I KNOW GREAT HORSES WILL LIVE AGAIN......I will see you in heave

The last pictures taken of Muscles were taken on Denton's Angel Day, April 23, 2010....what a coincidence.......





These pictures are the last good ones I took of Muscles (4-23-10, Denton's Angel Day, and in November 2009 - Susan Shemwell - up)Mr.Ben Young was the last person to ride Muscles in October - I won't forget the smile on his face when he turned him around- I wish I had taken a picture that day. I have worn that smile many times.

I will post more pictures later......
You are going to be missed old friend!

Don't Cry For The Horses, by Brenda Riley-Seymore
Don't cry for the horses
That life has set free
A million white horses
Forever to be

Don't cry for the horses
Now in God's hands
As they dance and they prance
To a heavenly band

They were ours as a gift
But never to keep
As they close their eyes
Forever to sleep

Their spirits unbound
On silver wings they fly
A million white horses
Against the blue sky

Look up into heaven
You'll see them above
The horses we lost
The horses we loved

Manes and tails flowing
They Gallop through time
They were never yours
They were never mine

Don't cry for the horses
They will be back someday
When our time has come
They will show us the way

On silver wings they will lift us
To the warmth of the sun
When our life is over
And eternity has begun

We will jump the sun
And dance over the moon
A Ballet of horses and riders
on the winds
to a heavenly tune

Do you hear that soft nicker
Close to your ear?
Don't cry for the horses
Love the ones that are here

Don't cry for the horses
Lift up your sad eyes
Can't you see them
As they fly by?

A million white horses
Free from hunger and pain
Their spirits set free
Until we ride again

Born On Christmas Day

Addelia "Addie Rose" Brown, 12-25-10, 10:24 AM, 6lbs 11 oz., 19 1/4 inches long

The story behind her name.....Addie is Daniels great-grandmothers name- and we just liked it. It had an "A" for Avery and "D" for Denton. Rose is my mamaw's name. After that was decided, Avery was very passionate about naming his baby sister Lia, so we combined the two names. He seemed to be happy with that. However, I am not so sure Daniel is, and she will always have to tell people how to pronounce/spell her name.....but that's ok.....I have to tell people how to spell mine all the time!

Our Miracle Baby surely made a statement by making her appearance at 10:24 AM on Christmas Morning. I can't believe how much differently my heart feels as I am writing this sixteen days after my last post. Maybe it was coincidence, but I truly feel that God and Denton were trying to make a statement by helping Addie make her appearance on such a special day.....My Dr. was even on call on Christmas Day!!!!!

Christmas Day is always my favorite day of the year, but I will never forget Christmas day 2010. I had gotten up about 1:45 and gone to the bathroom and felt fine. At 2:48 my water broke and it felt like a grenade exploded, it almost felt like it made a sound even though I was sound asleep! I tried to take a couple of pictures of Avery tearing into his Santa stuff, because with all the commotion he obviously woke up. I was actually calm, but Daniel and my Dad were having panic attacks. I started having contractions about three minutes apart about half way to Murfreesboro. I will also never forget the since of peace that I felt in my heart. My head tells me to be very cautious, way over protective, and diligent in checking and touching and moving this miracle baby every thirty seconds or so, but I do have a since of peace that I did not think I would have.

I do feel very blessed despite the tragedy we have been faced with. Little Addelia "Addie Rose" Brown is truly a miracle baby! I can't believe she is really here!!!!

Avery is so loving and careful and I am so proud of him. He is a wonderful big brother just like he was with Denton. I will still never forget the look on his face when he held Denton for the first time. That moment is still the most beautiful moment of my life. Followed closely behind by the second he adamantly said, "Can I hold Addie, I held Denton by myself!"

Addie is such a laid back baby so far.....She eats and sleeps, and eats and sleeps, she is even sleeping three or four hours at night and I have to wake her up to eat. She cries very little and has even smiled several times when she wakes up a little after eating.

She is so beautiful, and we are so happy that she is here. I just want to get past these first three months even though I don't want them to rush by, I just want her to be bigger and stronger......

I am back....Updates....Grief.....and Hope!

Well….. It has been about 30 weeks since I have posted on my blog. I have not had words to describe the emotions that we have been through in those thirty weeks, continue, to go through, and will face in the next few weeks or days. The last time I posted, I had a sneaking suspicion that I was pregnant. The first nine weeks of the pregnancy did not go well. I will spare everyone from the details, but my first ultrasound showed and empty amniotic sac and no baby. We waited three weeks for another ultrasound and in the mean time I was told that my hormone levels, which would indicate a successful pregnancy, were very low. My OB decided to schedule me for a D&C. To say the least I was a mess!!!!!!!! Two beautiful nurse friends of mine (Donnett and Angie) encouraged me to not give up, so we scheduled the D&C, but I persuaded our Dr. to do one last ultrasound and that’s when the “experienced” ultrasound tech found a nine week old baby and a strong heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daniel and I, were quite speechless, but, I think in our hearts (but not our minds) we knew that things were really ok. Our Dr. was speechless and told us that in her 25 yrs of experiences that she had never seen this outcome based on my blood tests and first ultrasound. She held a meeting with her colleagues, and hopefully changed some practice procedures. It just makes us wonder how many women have D&Cs without waiting or have them unnecessarily based on a few lab tests.

Our Dr. has been wonderful since…..she has been overly cautious and extremely compassionate based on our circumstances and after losing Denton.

EXCITING

So, we are expecting a little girl, Addelia Rose, anytime!!!!!! Addie is Daniel’s great-grandmother’s name. Of course he did not know this till I pointed it out. Avery wanted to name his little sister Lia, so we compromised! The Rose comes from my Mamaw. We will call her Addie Rose. There are also “A’s” for Avery and “Ds” for Denton!

COINCEDENCES

I also want to point out that Denton died on 4-23-09. I hate the 23^rd of each month. I hate the 23^rd minute of every hour, and I pretty much just hate the number 23, but…….Apparently, Addie was conceived on April 23^rd, which, is physically impossible, but that’s what the Dr. says…..Addie and Denton will also be 23 months apart. Crazy…..The Dr. even refers to her as our miracle baby, and I guess I would agree. Anyway……I still don’t like the number 23…..but I guess it’s just a number.

REALITY

I can’t explain the emotions that we are going to feel as we really get ready to welcome this new baby into our lives. I loved her the second I thought I was pregnant. I can imagine her when she is two or three already, and I daydream of the love and fun that we will have when she reaches this age……..BUT our reality, keeps me from dreaming about this too much. I wish that I could let go of my fears. But they are real! The pain of missing Denton and the barriers that I have built up around my heart, and myself are strong and real. I have no idea how I will be able to break these walls down. I know that I love Addie so much, and I miss Denton terribly. When I see a little boy, that would be Denton’s age now, or that is around three months old, I just want to kidnap them. I know that makes me sound like a deranged and bereaved mother, but it is a true reality that I face almost daily.

REAL- THINGS PEOPLE SAY……Compared to how I feel!

I want people to be compassionate towards me, and I do feel entitled to sympathy from others, but no one really knows the pain that I deal with, and the reality of losing Denton. I know my family members are sorry that it happened, but as his mother, my pain is totally different. People seem to think that I should just move on….and be happy……which I wish I could do!!!!! Really, it would be so awesome to just be at peace and be happy. I don’t even know how that would feel anymore…… I do have moments of happiness, and I have experience a few, that I hope I can catch you up on in the coming months.

I can’t explain how much I HATE the medically related mathematical/statistical explanations and decisions that will be made in regards to this child. There is a 1 in 1000 chance that a baby will die of SIDS, but most of them have some type of risk factor. Denton had no risk factors…..We are facing several really big decisions in regards to the care of this baby that are not supported by pediatricians. People say to me all the time, “everything will be fine.” “It is in God’s hands.” “Things will work out.” Well, my reality tells me that things might not be fine……I left Denton in God’s hands…..Things did not work out the way I think that they were supposed to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know that God is with us all the time, I feel that he is sorry for what happened, and that he grieves with us. I know that he is turning our mourning into joy, by giving us this precious baby girl. However, I would much rather have not experienced the pain of losing Denton. I am not in a place right now where I can turn things over to God, and let him take care of things, I am just not. I would like to be there, and I wish that I could just let go of this burden I am carrying around. It is heavy, really, really heavy.

I want to be happy and carefree! What a freeing feeling that would be!!!!!! I totally miss that feeling. To be happy and carefree, oh how I wish I could feel that again.

I know my fears are justifiable, because Avery, makes comments about Addie living. He asks questions about her dying. Just recently he asked if Denton could come back to life. So, I know my fears are not made up, when a six year old boy, feels them too.

Please pray for us…….Please pray that there will be peace in our lives again. Please pray that Addie and Denton outlive me. I can’t lose another child…..I will break! To add to all of my anxiety, Avery is going to have exploratory surgery soon. This all seems like de ja vue……….New baby, and Avery having a surgery….It is just a little too much.

Again, I so, wish I could just relax and enjoy the moments that we will experience……..

My fears are real, my pain is still raw, I am missing a little boy that should be in our lives. That is just real. I don’t know or understand why Denton died. I still can’t believe that it really happened. I can’t believe that I have buried a child, and I don’t like the fact that I have to find ways to love him even thought he is not here physically. I do feel that he is in my heart, and I can feel his presence. I feel sorry for myself……..even though I do know and appreciate how blessed I am. There are a lot of things that I would give up to just have my Denton back in our lives. But, I logically know that is impossible. Maybe someday…..I can come to grips with what happened……One day……………..

If you are reading this, thank you for letting me get this off of my chest. I do apologize for being distant, cranky, and often times hard to understand and be around. I know people try to say things to make me feel better, and that are meant for encouragement or just small talk……I still am not responding well to those types of comments. In regards to being excited about this baby….I am, but I am also fearful!!!!!! I feel like people don’t want to hear that response. “Are you ready for this baby to get here?” Is a questions I hear often…..Well, I am not sure……I am scared! Do people want to hear that??????? When I am truthful with my answer…..I then get….”Well, it’s in God’s hand.” Or “Things will be ok.” My reality tells me differently. So, if I have been short, curt, and seem unhappy, please try to remember what I lost.

I love you Denton…..I miss you……You are always in my heart…..and one day I will be able to love you for all eternity…….

Again, thank you for letting me get this off my chest.

I hope that I can post some more up lifting posts and I plan to update the blog, and highlight the good things that have happened in the past eight months.

We are going to anticipate having a beautiful, healthy, baby girl….and that our family will somehow find peace and happiness…………