April Kittens

I have struggled with knowing what to post on my blog, because I want it to help other people. I was told yesterday that I should just post what I feel, because it could be helpful to someone. If you know me this will probably make you cry, so just beware, its real. It’s real thoughts. Know that it is healing for me to get these thought out of my head and off my chest. The CAT STORY IS TRUE REAL…..The first part is sad but keep reading, then it gets sad again…..anyway….just fair warning…..

Last year on April 22, the evening before Denton passed away, Daniel, Avery, Denton, and I went and got a mother cat and five kittens from a friend (Avery had been asking for kittens for about nine months). On the way to get them Daniel and I both looked at each other and said, "something bad is going to happen??" - Our lives were to perfect at that moment, but....we were so thankful, grateful, happy, content, and peaceful. We were so happy for our beautiful boys, and our blessings, our future.....
We get back to the house with our mother cat and kittens, and the mother cat is traumatized and escapes out of the box, never to return again.....Daniel and I look at each other and say, "maybe this is our bad thing." So we went to dinner at O'Charley's in Manchester thinking that the mother cat would come back if we left for a little while. She never came back........
I took the kittens to school with me the next day, picked up kitten formula from the vet clinic, and dropped Denton off at the sitter's, not knowing what would happen that HORRIBLE,HORRIBLE,HORRIBLE,HORRIBLE,HORRIBLE....DAY.......I worried about those stupid kittens all day....several of my students adopted the kittens before the end of the day, but little did I know that my angel Denton was going to fly to heaven instead of/with those dumb cats, that know I feel like cursed our family………………………………………………………………………............................................................................
So, AVERY SAVED A KITTEN, on Saturday, exactly a year and one day later....the story goes.....We have a mother kitten and five baby kittens (we started out with six, but one disappeared).We watched the mother cat give birth to them, so we knew exactly how old they were, two weeks old, and they have been in the same spot for two weeks. Most mother kittens move their babies! Anyway! This one did not, but it started raining on Saturday, and the rain was dripping off the roof in a puddle right down onto where the kittens had been. She finally moved them around the corner of the house. I had checked on them after the rain started, saw that they had been moved and didn't worry about them anymore.
Later....Avery said, “I am going to check on the kittens”, so I told him not to get scared that the mother had moved them. He took the initiative to look anyway at where they had been....and two seconds later came running back in the house with a very, cold, wet, and unresponsive kitten. I really don't think that I could have dealt with another dead kitten on a date in late April, so God helped us fix that kitten. It took almost 45 min of blow drying to warm, dry, and resuscitate the kitten, but it is now fine. Premonitions, coincidence, a sign, I am not really sure, but saving that kitten placed a little hope back into my heart.

Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of Denton's burial. People have made comments on FB about how they can't believe it has been a year. It feels like three lifetimes to me, but the bible says that this life is but a fleeting moment or a passing breeze....Looking forward to a life without pain and grief....

I miss you sweet baby Denton, I miss the happiness you brought to our lives, I miss the innocence and naivety I had before your death, I miss the freedom I had to think that things would work out, I miss the promises of tomorrow, I miss the future, I miss being able to plan fun things to do, I miss the opportunity to dream about you growing up, I miss all of your laughs, I miss you first steps, your first words, your kisses, hugs, your childhood, you adulthood, your wife, your children, my grandchildren. I miss you, but I also miss all of the things that a mother dreams that her children will do. I am grief stricken for you, but also for all of the things that you were going to be........I can see that God will use our loss for good, but if there was ANYTHING I could do to bring you back I would do it in a heartbeat! I can see that I think differently, I think that I could console another person who loses a child, something that I would never have been able to do before. I hope no one I know will ever have to deal with the death of their child, but I feel that someday, what I have learned from all of this will be used to help someone else navigate out of the fog. I am more compassionate, more understanding, and more knowledgeable.....But I still miss Denton and as long as I live I will miss him.

The death of a child is not something that a parent gets over, it is something that the parent learns to cope with. It is like nothing else, I was going to compare it to a ball and chain, a dragon in the closet, a flat tire, a toothache.....There is nothing to compare it to....You can live with all or those things...You can find somebody to remove the ball and chain, you can slay the dragon or shut the closet door and forget, you can fix a flat tire, you can pull a rotten tooth. You can't live with, remove, slay, fix, or pull, the death of a child. It is done, gone, permanent, tragic, painful, illogical.....And on days like birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries its hard, but its hard just like every other day.....Every day, Daniel and I get up and have to endure the day knowing that we don't know what could happen, and knowing that what we want to happen the most, probably/definitely won't happen.

I read yesterday that God answers all prayers, however sometimes his answer is no. Daniel and I have been sifted/are being sifted like wheat. On April 22, 2009, we could not have been more thankful to God for our blessings.....On April 23,2009, we faced the worst day that a parent can face. I am glad I don't have to dread the worst day of my life....it has already happened......So, I guess all I have left to do is to move forward, that's all you have left to do when you feel like you have been placed back on the starting block...............................................................

Move forward, move forward, one second at a time, one moment at a time, one breath, that's what we do. Yes, there are moments of joy, there are moments of laughter, there are moments of gratefulness, moments of hope, but in between those moments there are moments of sorrow, tears, fears, anxiety, pride, doubt, pain. It is tiring to hold it together on a daily basis.....Thank you to those people that remember Denton, that allow us to cry, that don't expect us to be over it....Thank you for letting us be real. Denton was only with us for eleven and a half weeks, but our plan was for him to be with us for a lifetime. We grieve for Denton, but we also grieve for our future and Denton's future, Avery's future without his brother, and what we thought we would enjoy forever.

God, Please kiss and hug my boy and tell him how much I love him!
We will move forward, we will take baby steps, we will be ok, but it was not our hope, or our desire, it was not our plan. I don't think it was God's plan either, but I do think that God can help us to use it for the good of others.
Lord, thank you for giving us Denton and Avery. Thank you for blessing our family with Denton's life even if it was only for a short time. Thank you for giving us beauty, flowers, and resurrection. Help us to bless others even through our loss. Help us to know the right things to say and do.