Thursday, April 29, 2010

Defined



GREASE
On April 24th, 2009, the day after Denton's death a yellow and blue plump bird perched itself on my riding arena and quickly disappeared. Daniel and I both saw it. We have looked and waited pretty much everyday since.

Today it appeared again! Sitting on a power line. I caught few pictures, but they are not very good or close, but its there.


GRIEF
Also, Daniel and I have had this ongoing conversation about not letting Denton's death define us. Maybe Daniel is doing a good job of that, if that's what needs to happen, but I am not ready to let go of it yet. I need it to define me for a while, so that it can help me to find the meaning in it. I KNOW that God did not allow this to happen for no reason. He would not allow this much pain in a person's life with out some purpose.

Denton's death is certainly the most emotionally and spiritually draining event that I have ever experienced. In fact, I really think that I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, even if I have to diagnose myself. I am pretty sure that other people that have PTS do experience a major change if not definition of their lives because of the event that caused it.

So, if I don't want Denton's death to define me how do I want to be defined? These are certainly not in the order they should be, but this is honestly how I feel. I would like to be defined as a good mother (I honestly believer that I am a good mother, but it is embarrassing to have a dead baby - so I guess I will just have to prove this one to myself), a good wife, compassionate, thoughtful, hardworking, and a good friend. I want to be a good christian, but that is a work in progress and God knows what he created......

For those of you who say I am strong and to just hang in.....those are the two most common comments I get. When you don't have anything to hang on to, you may appear strong. I am not strong; I am weak, broken, and devastated.....I have no other choice but to be "OK". When really I am NOT OK.

Tabitha Tudor's (a thirteen year old Nashville girl who went missing seven years ago) father was on TV a few minutes ago and said that it never gets easier. It's not any easier today than it was a year ago, probably worse......but like Mr. Bob Willis says, you learn to deal with it.....I think I am learning to deal with it, but it is not ever going to go away, not till I get to heaven.

Denton, I miss you so much.

GRACE
Today was also a good day.....Avery's year to "officially" attend Farm City Day.














10 things that make me happy.....
1. Pictures of Denton
2. Avery in Camo
3. My Mamaw and Papaw's House
4. Yellow Birds
5. Ponies
6. Jersey Cows
7. Cheesecake
8. Irises - especially my Mamaw Bessie's
9. Purple Flowers
10. "Lucky" both of them
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1 comment:

  1. {ella}May 3, 2010 at 10:39 AM

    I'm so glad you're writing a blog! I hope it's helpful for you to just get some things out.

    A friend was talking about a book the other day that I want to send you. So watch for that in the mail.

    I like your list of what you want to define you and I think they already do. You made me think about my own list and I changed good Christian to child of God. Good Christian seems too hard - all I have to do to be a child of God is to accept what He has already given me.

    ReplyDelete

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"Over the years I've discovered that there's more to being a cowgirl than punching cows, or winning rodeo trophies, or galloping off into a movie sunset with Roy. Cowgirl is an attitude, really. A pioneer spirit, a special American brand of courage. The cowgirl faces life head on, lives by her own lights, and makes no excuses. Cowgirls take stands. They speak up. They defend the things they hold dear. A cowgirl might be a rancher, or a barrel racer, or a bull rider, or an actress. But she's likely to be a checker at the local Winn Dixie, a full-time mother, a banker, an attorney, an astronaut."

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