I am back....Updates....Grief.....and Hope!

Well….. It has been about 30 weeks since I have posted on my blog. I have not had words to describe the emotions that we have been through in those thirty weeks, continue, to go through, and will face in the next few weeks or days. The last time I posted, I had a sneaking suspicion that I was pregnant. The first nine weeks of the pregnancy did not go well. I will spare everyone from the details, but my first ultrasound showed and empty amniotic sac and no baby. We waited three weeks for another ultrasound and in the mean time I was told that my hormone levels, which would indicate a successful pregnancy, were very low. My OB decided to schedule me for a D&C. To say the least I was a mess!!!!!!!! Two beautiful nurse friends of mine (Donnett and Angie) encouraged me to not give up, so we scheduled the D&C, but I persuaded our Dr. to do one last ultrasound and that’s when the “experienced” ultrasound tech found a nine week old baby and a strong heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daniel and I, were quite speechless, but, I think in our hearts (but not our minds) we knew that things were really ok. Our Dr. was speechless and told us that in her 25 yrs of experiences that she had never seen this outcome based on my blood tests and first ultrasound. She held a meeting with her colleagues, and hopefully changed some practice procedures. It just makes us wonder how many women have D&Cs without waiting or have them unnecessarily based on a few lab tests.

Our Dr. has been wonderful since…..she has been overly cautious and extremely compassionate based on our circumstances and after losing Denton.

EXCITING

So, we are expecting a little girl, Addelia Rose, anytime!!!!!! Addie is Daniel’s great-grandmother’s name. Of course he did not know this till I pointed it out. Avery wanted to name his little sister Lia, so we compromised! The Rose comes from my Mamaw. We will call her Addie Rose. There are also “A’s” for Avery and “Ds” for Denton!

COINCEDENCES

I also want to point out that Denton died on 4-23-09. I hate the 23^rd of each month. I hate the 23^rd minute of every hour, and I pretty much just hate the number 23, but…….Apparently, Addie was conceived on April 23^rd, which, is physically impossible, but that’s what the Dr. says…..Addie and Denton will also be 23 months apart. Crazy…..The Dr. even refers to her as our miracle baby, and I guess I would agree. Anyway……I still don’t like the number 23…..but I guess it’s just a number.

REALITY

I can’t explain the emotions that we are going to feel as we really get ready to welcome this new baby into our lives. I loved her the second I thought I was pregnant. I can imagine her when she is two or three already, and I daydream of the love and fun that we will have when she reaches this age……..BUT our reality, keeps me from dreaming about this too much. I wish that I could let go of my fears. But they are real! The pain of missing Denton and the barriers that I have built up around my heart, and myself are strong and real. I have no idea how I will be able to break these walls down. I know that I love Addie so much, and I miss Denton terribly. When I see a little boy, that would be Denton’s age now, or that is around three months old, I just want to kidnap them. I know that makes me sound like a deranged and bereaved mother, but it is a true reality that I face almost daily.

REAL- THINGS PEOPLE SAY……Compared to how I feel!

I want people to be compassionate towards me, and I do feel entitled to sympathy from others, but no one really knows the pain that I deal with, and the reality of losing Denton. I know my family members are sorry that it happened, but as his mother, my pain is totally different. People seem to think that I should just move on….and be happy……which I wish I could do!!!!! Really, it would be so awesome to just be at peace and be happy. I don’t even know how that would feel anymore…… I do have moments of happiness, and I have experience a few, that I hope I can catch you up on in the coming months.

I can’t explain how much I HATE the medically related mathematical/statistical explanations and decisions that will be made in regards to this child. There is a 1 in 1000 chance that a baby will die of SIDS, but most of them have some type of risk factor. Denton had no risk factors…..We are facing several really big decisions in regards to the care of this baby that are not supported by pediatricians. People say to me all the time, “everything will be fine.” “It is in God’s hands.” “Things will work out.” Well, my reality tells me that things might not be fine……I left Denton in God’s hands…..Things did not work out the way I think that they were supposed to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know that God is with us all the time, I feel that he is sorry for what happened, and that he grieves with us. I know that he is turning our mourning into joy, by giving us this precious baby girl. However, I would much rather have not experienced the pain of losing Denton. I am not in a place right now where I can turn things over to God, and let him take care of things, I am just not. I would like to be there, and I wish that I could just let go of this burden I am carrying around. It is heavy, really, really heavy.

I want to be happy and carefree! What a freeing feeling that would be!!!!!! I totally miss that feeling. To be happy and carefree, oh how I wish I could feel that again.

I know my fears are justifiable, because Avery, makes comments about Addie living. He asks questions about her dying. Just recently he asked if Denton could come back to life. So, I know my fears are not made up, when a six year old boy, feels them too.

Please pray for us…….Please pray that there will be peace in our lives again. Please pray that Addie and Denton outlive me. I can’t lose another child…..I will break! To add to all of my anxiety, Avery is going to have exploratory surgery soon. This all seems like de ja vue……….New baby, and Avery having a surgery….It is just a little too much.

Again, I so, wish I could just relax and enjoy the moments that we will experience……..

My fears are real, my pain is still raw, I am missing a little boy that should be in our lives. That is just real. I don’t know or understand why Denton died. I still can’t believe that it really happened. I can’t believe that I have buried a child, and I don’t like the fact that I have to find ways to love him even thought he is not here physically. I do feel that he is in my heart, and I can feel his presence. I feel sorry for myself……..even though I do know and appreciate how blessed I am. There are a lot of things that I would give up to just have my Denton back in our lives. But, I logically know that is impossible. Maybe someday…..I can come to grips with what happened……One day……………..

If you are reading this, thank you for letting me get this off of my chest. I do apologize for being distant, cranky, and often times hard to understand and be around. I know people try to say things to make me feel better, and that are meant for encouragement or just small talk……I still am not responding well to those types of comments. In regards to being excited about this baby….I am, but I am also fearful!!!!!! I feel like people don’t want to hear that response. “Are you ready for this baby to get here?” Is a questions I hear often…..Well, I am not sure……I am scared! Do people want to hear that??????? When I am truthful with my answer…..I then get….”Well, it’s in God’s hand.” Or “Things will be ok.” My reality tells me differently. So, if I have been short, curt, and seem unhappy, please try to remember what I lost.

I love you Denton…..I miss you……You are always in my heart…..and one day I will be able to love you for all eternity…….

Again, thank you for letting me get this off my chest.

I hope that I can post some more up lifting posts and I plan to update the blog, and highlight the good things that have happened in the past eight months.

We are going to anticipate having a beautiful, healthy, baby girl….and that our family will somehow find peace and happiness…………

Encouragement

Encouragement for myself and others.

“It is a huge danger to pretend that awful things do not happen. But you need enough hope to keep going. I am trying to make hope. Flowers grow out of darkness.” Corita Kent

There are no words to say to fill the emptiness that we all feel after loosing a child. The deep wounded hole that we all carry around in our hearts will always be there. The loss of a child for me was a loss of the future, self, control, safety, peace, confidence, and contentment. To others it may have been all of those things and more. The loss is different for everyone. For me personally, I am a very spiritual person. I have always been spiritual, but I did/do not have an in depth knowledge of the bible and its teachings. My spirituality is a continual journey built on life experiences and my belief in Jesus Christ. In the past year my knowledge has grown exponentially, because of my search for understanding and acceptance of our loss. I can truly understand those of you that might not understand or believe in God, but my belief is that he is real and his ways will make our life on earth bearable. Most importantly, He will make our life supremely happy for eternity.

I grew up understanding the basic principles of being a good person and doing good things for other people – you know the golden rule, and the Ten Commandments. The few times I did attend church, I developed the belief that if I was a good person and did good things for other people, God would bless me and protect me. I thought I was going to be protected from horrible tragedies.

The reality is that God never promised us a life on earth that was free from tragedy and heartache. I have been very angry with God for not saving Denton, but when God allowed Jesus to die on the cross my Denton was saved and given eternal life. My anger is really not justified through being angry at God – I am still angry that Denton died, and I think that God can handle my anger. The tragedy surrounding Denton’s death was not caused by God. It was a horrible earthly tragedy. Yes, God could have worked a miracle and saved Denton, but I would have missed the lessons that Denton’s life and Denton’s death have taught me. I have to believe that God saw the good that was going to come from my loss. Denton was a miracle from God – all children are. If Denton had not passed away, I probably would not ever fully comprehend or appreciate the small wonders and blessings in everyday life. I wouldn’t understand that some things are more important than others. I would not be as compassionate. I would not be encouraged by other people who have faced horrible tragedies and their ability to triumph over them. I would not have the ability to overcome obstacles and trials that I may face in the future.

If I could change what happened I would in the blink of an eye. Nonetheless, I have come to the conclusion that the only good, productive, and positive choice I have the ability to make is to be thankful that Denton was in our lives. I have also learned that I have to be thankful in order to appreciate the small things that happen each day. The alternative choice is resentment, pity, regrets, and sadness. Who wants to live a life full of those feelings?

Choose to be thankful for the life of your child;cherish the experience of knowing your child. Accept the grace that God freely gives and rest assured that one day you will see your precious child. In the meantime enjoy the signs and wonders around you…..I can truly feel Denton’s precious spirit in the birds of the sky, the stars at night, the sunrise in the morning, the bud of a flower, and the kindness of friends.

You are not alone in this walk….there are so many families that loose loved ones, including God himself. John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world, he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” It is amazing to me the many stories in the bible that talk of loosing a child. Then I look at everyday life and I am astonished at how often people loose children to miscarriage, car accidents, disease, and accidents. Until you loose a child you are unaware of how often and how deeply these people must hurt. When you loose a child you are embraced by a world of hurt and pain. I am there, but I am now encouraged by people that are able to move forward and live a life of gratefulness and compassion despite this world they now must endure.

If you are just beginning your walk - it is going to take a while to get to this place. I am a year into my journey, and I am just now able to see the productive “childless” families walking the road ahead of me. For a long time I felt that I was the only one on the road. I encourage you to find someone to encourage you - facebook, your church, a support group, such as Compassionate Friends, or a foundation. There are days of joy, happiness, and grace ahead. You have to make the choice to accept and embrace them as they come. I am so sorry for your loss, as I am for my own.

I leave you with two prayers that have given me strength.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.

- Mary Elizabeth Frye





God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
- Reinhold Niebuhr



“Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” –Nathaniel Hawthorne

I miss you Denton! You are in my heart sweet boy.

Grace

Choices and Ask

I just finished reading, A Grace Disguised. I am glad that my thoughts are not unlike others that have suffered loss. Some of the things that stood out in my mind.....

I still have a long way to go in the grieving process.

I have this horrible feeling that I am alone,that no one understands, and no one cares. I think that after reading this book - people do care, but just like I did, before Denton's death - people don't want to be bothered by a situation, and until they make a conscious effort to be involved in a situation and they are willing to sacrifice time and energy then they normally "conveniently" forget what has happened to others. (That was a great run on sentence :)

So, I think that from now on I will ask myself if I can conscientiously disconnect from a situation, or tragedy without feeling guilty. If my answer is no, then I will understand that I will have to make a conscience effort to sacrifice with a willing and positive attitude. People in tragedy mode do not need help two hours, two days, or two weeks after the tragedy they need help two months, six months, a year, two years, three years......It's everyday that is hard - not just special days like mother's day, birthdays, anniversaries........It's harder six months after than it is two days after. I personally probably went six months on auto pilot - shock mode.

I know that there are a lot of people that I need to do things for, that I conveniently forget about, because it is an inconvenience........I will try to do much better.

I also began reading, I Will Carry You,which was sent by sweet Ella Brown Weaver! And I learned my lesson! I need to ask for help. I just need to ask - usually if I ask I get what I need. Why am I so stubborn. I don't need to deal with loosing Denton by myself. I also don't need to feel like I need to save the whole world by myself - other people want to help....Helping someone is a conscious choice to be inconvenienced, but with a joyous heart.

Prayers....
Thank you God for Avery and Denton. Thank you for Daniel. Thank you for my family and friends. Thank you for birds, flowers, mountains, and blue skies. Please wrap your arms around the mother who lost her baby this week and welcome that child into your arms. I am so saddened by this event, and hope that I can help in someway. Hug my baby Denton - I miss him so much!!!!!!!!Please heal or fix or answer my unspoken request, or give me some peace about it, and give me the strength to get help if needed. Please be with Katie and her family and give strength back to Granby and to their family. Please be with Callie, Jami, and Jason and their families. In your name I pray.

Prayers

My thoughts and prayers are with my friend Katie and her family today, as they care for their beloved, Granby.

I don't have anymore words to say - but I wish I was with Katie, so I could hug her.

Change and Priorities are my words for the day. Life is always going to change, and you have learn how to live with those changes, wether you like them or not. You also have to understand your priorities, and not be overcome by things that don't matter. I should really absorb and practice what I write! Easier said than done.......

Defined

GREASE
On April 24th, 2009, the day after Denton's death a yellow and blue plump bird perched itself on my riding arena and quickly disappeared. Daniel and I both saw it. We have looked and waited pretty much everyday since.

Today it appeared again! Sitting on a power line. I caught few pictures, but they are not very good or close, but its there.


GRIEF
Also, Daniel and I have had this ongoing conversation about not letting Denton's death define us. Maybe Daniel is doing a good job of that, if that's what needs to happen, but I am not ready to let go of it yet. I need it to define me for a while, so that it can help me to find the meaning in it. I KNOW that God did not allow this to happen for no reason. He would not allow this much pain in a person's life with out some purpose.

Denton's death is certainly the most emotionally and spiritually draining event that I have ever experienced. In fact, I really think that I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, even if I have to diagnose myself. I am pretty sure that other people that have PTS do experience a major change if not definition of their lives because of the event that caused it.

So, if I don't want Denton's death to define me how do I want to be defined? These are certainly not in the order they should be, but this is honestly how I feel. I would like to be defined as a good mother (I honestly believer that I am a good mother, but it is embarrassing to have a dead baby - so I guess I will just have to prove this one to myself), a good wife, compassionate, thoughtful, hardworking, and a good friend. I want to be a good christian, but that is a work in progress and God knows what he created......

For those of you who say I am strong and to just hang in.....those are the two most common comments I get. When you don't have anything to hang on to, you may appear strong. I am not strong; I am weak, broken, and devastated.....I have no other choice but to be "OK". When really I am NOT OK.

Tabitha Tudor's (a thirteen year old Nashville girl who went missing seven years ago) father was on TV a few minutes ago and said that it never gets easier. It's not any easier today than it was a year ago, probably worse......but like Mr. Bob Willis says, you learn to deal with it.....I think I am learning to deal with it, but it is not ever going to go away, not till I get to heaven.

Denton, I miss you so much.

GRACE
Today was also a good day.....Avery's year to "officially" attend Farm City Day.














10 things that make me happy.....
1. Pictures of Denton
2. Avery in Camo
3. My Mamaw and Papaw's House
4. Yellow Birds
5. Ponies
6. Jersey Cows
7. Cheesecake
8. Irises - especially my Mamaw Bessie's
9. Purple Flowers
10. "Lucky" both of them

April Kittens

I have struggled with knowing what to post on my blog, because I want it to help other people. I was told yesterday that I should just post what I feel, because it could be helpful to someone. If you know me this will probably make you cry, so just beware, its real. It’s real thoughts. Know that it is healing for me to get these thought out of my head and off my chest. The CAT STORY IS TRUE REAL…..The first part is sad but keep reading, then it gets sad again…..anyway….just fair warning…..

Last year on April 22, the evening before Denton passed away, Daniel, Avery, Denton, and I went and got a mother cat and five kittens from a friend (Avery had been asking for kittens for about nine months). On the way to get them Daniel and I both looked at each other and said, "something bad is going to happen??" - Our lives were to perfect at that moment, but....we were so thankful, grateful, happy, content, and peaceful. We were so happy for our beautiful boys, and our blessings, our future.....
We get back to the house with our mother cat and kittens, and the mother cat is traumatized and escapes out of the box, never to return again.....Daniel and I look at each other and say, "maybe this is our bad thing." So we went to dinner at O'Charley's in Manchester thinking that the mother cat would come back if we left for a little while. She never came back........
I took the kittens to school with me the next day, picked up kitten formula from the vet clinic, and dropped Denton off at the sitter's, not knowing what would happen that HORRIBLE,HORRIBLE,HORRIBLE,HORRIBLE,HORRIBLE....DAY.......I worried about those stupid kittens all day....several of my students adopted the kittens before the end of the day, but little did I know that my angel Denton was going to fly to heaven instead of/with those dumb cats, that know I feel like cursed our family………………………………………………………………………............................................................................
So, AVERY SAVED A KITTEN, on Saturday, exactly a year and one day later....the story goes.....We have a mother kitten and five baby kittens (we started out with six, but one disappeared).We watched the mother cat give birth to them, so we knew exactly how old they were, two weeks old, and they have been in the same spot for two weeks. Most mother kittens move their babies! Anyway! This one did not, but it started raining on Saturday, and the rain was dripping off the roof in a puddle right down onto where the kittens had been. She finally moved them around the corner of the house. I had checked on them after the rain started, saw that they had been moved and didn't worry about them anymore.
Later....Avery said, “I am going to check on the kittens”, so I told him not to get scared that the mother had moved them. He took the initiative to look anyway at where they had been....and two seconds later came running back in the house with a very, cold, wet, and unresponsive kitten. I really don't think that I could have dealt with another dead kitten on a date in late April, so God helped us fix that kitten. It took almost 45 min of blow drying to warm, dry, and resuscitate the kitten, but it is now fine. Premonitions, coincidence, a sign, I am not really sure, but saving that kitten placed a little hope back into my heart.

Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of Denton's burial. People have made comments on FB about how they can't believe it has been a year. It feels like three lifetimes to me, but the bible says that this life is but a fleeting moment or a passing breeze....Looking forward to a life without pain and grief....

I miss you sweet baby Denton, I miss the happiness you brought to our lives, I miss the innocence and naivety I had before your death, I miss the freedom I had to think that things would work out, I miss the promises of tomorrow, I miss the future, I miss being able to plan fun things to do, I miss the opportunity to dream about you growing up, I miss all of your laughs, I miss you first steps, your first words, your kisses, hugs, your childhood, you adulthood, your wife, your children, my grandchildren. I miss you, but I also miss all of the things that a mother dreams that her children will do. I am grief stricken for you, but also for all of the things that you were going to be........I can see that God will use our loss for good, but if there was ANYTHING I could do to bring you back I would do it in a heartbeat! I can see that I think differently, I think that I could console another person who loses a child, something that I would never have been able to do before. I hope no one I know will ever have to deal with the death of their child, but I feel that someday, what I have learned from all of this will be used to help someone else navigate out of the fog. I am more compassionate, more understanding, and more knowledgeable.....But I still miss Denton and as long as I live I will miss him.

The death of a child is not something that a parent gets over, it is something that the parent learns to cope with. It is like nothing else, I was going to compare it to a ball and chain, a dragon in the closet, a flat tire, a toothache.....There is nothing to compare it to....You can live with all or those things...You can find somebody to remove the ball and chain, you can slay the dragon or shut the closet door and forget, you can fix a flat tire, you can pull a rotten tooth. You can't live with, remove, slay, fix, or pull, the death of a child. It is done, gone, permanent, tragic, painful, illogical.....And on days like birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries its hard, but its hard just like every other day.....Every day, Daniel and I get up and have to endure the day knowing that we don't know what could happen, and knowing that what we want to happen the most, probably/definitely won't happen.

I read yesterday that God answers all prayers, however sometimes his answer is no. Daniel and I have been sifted/are being sifted like wheat. On April 22, 2009, we could not have been more thankful to God for our blessings.....On April 23,2009, we faced the worst day that a parent can face. I am glad I don't have to dread the worst day of my life....it has already happened......So, I guess all I have left to do is to move forward, that's all you have left to do when you feel like you have been placed back on the starting block...............................................................

Move forward, move forward, one second at a time, one moment at a time, one breath, that's what we do. Yes, there are moments of joy, there are moments of laughter, there are moments of gratefulness, moments of hope, but in between those moments there are moments of sorrow, tears, fears, anxiety, pride, doubt, pain. It is tiring to hold it together on a daily basis.....Thank you to those people that remember Denton, that allow us to cry, that don't expect us to be over it....Thank you for letting us be real. Denton was only with us for eleven and a half weeks, but our plan was for him to be with us for a lifetime. We grieve for Denton, but we also grieve for our future and Denton's future, Avery's future without his brother, and what we thought we would enjoy forever.

God, Please kiss and hug my boy and tell him how much I love him!
We will move forward, we will take baby steps, we will be ok, but it was not our hope, or our desire, it was not our plan. I don't think it was God's plan either, but I do think that God can help us to use it for the good of others.
Lord, thank you for giving us Denton and Avery. Thank you for blessing our family with Denton's life even if it was only for a short time. Thank you for giving us beauty, flowers, and resurrection. Help us to bless others even through our loss. Help us to know the right things to say and do.

Picture by Dana's Digital, Manchester, TN

Tommorrow is going to be hard, but not nearly as hard as it was one year ago. I could never have imagined the pain that we have endured over the past year until I experienced it myself. In honor of Denton's life tommorrow we are making a donation to CJ SIDS. We will mail a check to the FFA Foundation to start a scholar...ship in Memor...y of Denton, and we will purchase kits to distribute to local hospitals to support families that my face this same tragedy. We will also mail off our 501c3 paperwork- this weekend sometime. None of this would have been possible without the support of our friends and community businesses. Stay tuned for more updates about the 2010 DGB Foundation Fundraiser. I think it will be "Cowboy"! Denton, we miss you more than words could ever say. We hope you enjoy your "Angel Day" in heaven. We love you!

I am participating in the Beth Moore Study Believing God. We are on the 4th week. She is truly amazing. I just wanted to say that I feel like I am sifted like wheat - I could totally relate to what she was saying, and I am so glad that she talked about how she was not sinning when she was being sifted and that she was earnestly seeking God. I truly needed to hear what she had to say. I am glad to know that God only sifts people if he has to, and when he does that he is praying for us while we are being sifted. He only does this because of Pride, Victimization, and Impurity. I understand better, but I wish that I could have not been sifted.....It's hurts, it's scary, and it's lonely, and I miss Denton's presence with all of my heart.

There were a lot of things that I would have liked to have opened up about to night, but I just did not know how or if it was appropriate. I desperately need prayers and even more I need feedback, I need honesty, and opinions. I know many of you don't know what to say to Daniel and I, but I need feedback. I need honest encouragement - not to just to be joyful and happy, but to be useful to God. To be a good mother to Avery, and to accomplish whatever purpose I am still here for.

Daniel and I have been talking about how Denton's death should not define our lives, but it has definitely changed them.....

Denton's life had a purpose! Please, please, please help me to figure out how to use it.

I posted on facebook that I would like to develop some kind of care package for hospitals to give out to parents that have unexpectedly lost a child - it should include some way to preserve hand and footprints, a lock or hair, and/or casting, pictures, ect......Any ideas on how or where to purchase these items would be appreciated.

I am so thankful to Mandy for leading this Bible Study. I know that it is not something that you probably intended to do, but I truly appreciate what you do and are doing. I truly appreciate your friendship. You make a huge difference in my life, and in the lives of others.

Luke 22:31-32

I just came across this exciting opportunity. It would be my dream to be able to write and speak to audiences and feel like I was making a difference some how. I don't know that I can attend this conference, but I would like some prayers in this direction of my life. I thought I would share this link with all of my two followers......Maybe I have some secret followers out there.....

www.proverbs31.org

Check out the She Speaks Conference and the link on Lysa's Blog titled, When God Hurts your feelings.

Tired.....I am tired of having to be a bereaved mother. I miss Denton and want him back!

In addition to being tired....I found out today that Avery has been telling his ESP teacher all year that he did not have a folder, so he did not have to do his homework. It is really embarrassing to have to post this, but I thought I needed to document the fact that my five year old was smart enough to consistently lie about something for almost an entire school year.

I wish I could be more positive. It was a beautiful day.

I love both of my boys very much.

"Before you were born I carried you under my heart. From the moment you arrived in this world until the the moment I leave it, I will always carry you in it." - Mandy Harrison

To my mom Friends with angels......."I'd like to remind you that Jesus Christ wept," says Dr. Erwin Lutzer. "I'd like to remind you that it says in the New Testament that when Stephen died, they took him to his burial and great lamentation was made over him.

"It's okay to grieve. There are those who do not grieve, and later on it begins to catch up with them. So you go through that process as long as you understand that it is a process of transition and healing."

Please pray for Daniel, Avery, and me. Daniel and I are going to flyin to Tulsa, Oklahoma for the National YF&R Leadership Conference. We are leaving Friday morning and Flying back on Tuesday. This is the first time both of us have "really left" Avery. We are both really nervous about flying. We have even contimplated just driving out there. I guess we will just have to know that God is in control and will take care of Avery as well as us. I admit that it's hard to say that....his ways are higher than our ways!

Grease

Sunset Lucky Joe......take care of my Little Buckaroo, Denton, up in heaven. I miss you both.

The second picture is of my daddy and me in Colorado 1997 or 1998 on one of the last trips we took before my parents divorced. I love you Daddy, thanks for pushing me to be a hard worker, and for teacing me to perservere.

Nancy Brown, Mamaw, and my Mom. Three of my biggest supporters.

Nancy is in heaven looking out for us, doting on Denton, and taking care of other things that need to be taken care of.....We miss you and truly appreciate that you shared your love and taught us to do the same. Happy Birthday to your baby girl, Jami.

Mom, thanks for teaching me to love, do things right, question things, be well rounded, and to dress properly! I love you. Thanks for being a great Gigi!

Mamaw, thanks for helping me be tough, proud, and loving. I love you.

Many other people have added grease to my life......I love you all.
Papaw, thanks for teaching me to be faithful and look at things from God's perspective. Your a good man! I love you.

Jami, you are not in one of these pictures, but you too applied a lot of grease in my life. We had our good and bad times, but your friendship and the opportunity to know you has truly made me a better person. I love you.....Happy Birthday!

About The Title….

Grease ….
I can hear my Dad telling me to “use a little elbow grease” when I was first learning to brush my first horse (Sunset Lucky Joe).
I learned about elbow grease from my Mom who taught me to do things right (specifically class projects)

I learned about tractor grease from my husband……

Greasy little boys….hopefully there will be more in my future……
Grease has a multitude of meanings in my life. I have learned to appreciate it. Sometimes grease brings welcomed situations and at other times it makes situations very slippery. Grease has helped me to understand that there are just some things that you cannot control. Grease represents, hard work, letting love flow the way it is most beneficial to my family and me, and letting go when things don’t go the way I had planned…..

Grief….
I wish I did not know this one…..but we all will know it in one way or another, sooner or later. My grief as a bereaved mother has redefined my life. It is not what I would have chosen. If I could change the outcome somehow I would in a heartbeat. If there was something that I could go back in time and change I would. However, I have never and will never regret having Denton for those eleven weeks on earth. I will always feel that having Denton with us was the most precious eleven weeks of my life. Obviously, we don’t see the beautiful tapestry that god is creating for us in heaven, and we will never fully understand why horrible tragedies happen on earth. We only see the backside of the picture and become confused by the things that we don’t have answers to. Don’t think that as I write this I have figured out the “whys”, I am still searching……But I have to believe that God is in control. I question God on a daily basis. I am still very angry that God let Denton die, but I am beginning to accept the fact that God sees the bigger picture. I am reminded of the Helen Keller quote…..

“We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world.”

Through my grief I have found that I have several choices. I can choose not to live, either literally or emotionally. Neither of which is an option….because of my precious Avery. I also have to make it for Denton. Option number three is to find some sort of happiness or satisfaction in each day. For a while, I wanted everybody to know how miserable I was, but I found that it didn’t really affect anyone but me….I think it is important to share honestly, because it could help someone else going through the same/similar situation.

Grace….

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

God willingly sent his son to die for our sins, so that we would have everlasting life. For that I am very thankful. I did not willingly give up my son, even if it was for my own good, and that fact has drastically changed my beliefs and reality. I thought that if I was good enough, worked hard, and was nice to people that good things would happen to me……Apparently I was wrong. That former belief allowed me to remain in control of my life.

I know for a fact that I did not do anything horrible enough for God to take Denton away for punishment. God does not work that way even if I had been a horrible person.

I am thankful that I don’t have to go the rest of my life thinking that I can control things…..that is a weight lifted off my shoulders……….

Grace is freely given….I don’t fully understand it, but I do know that it is something that you can’t earn.

God sent Denton to us for reasons that we may only know when we get to heaven and see him again.

I miss Denton every day. I will and have missed out on the joy that his life would have brought to ours. I have to deal with that loss everyday for the rest of mine…..But, I know that I can’t miss out on the other joys that are available on earth. I can still love Denton and celebrate his life, because of God’s grace.