Valentines

1. Life
2. embroidered cowgirl shirts
3. hungry hippos
4. sunglasses for babies
5. sunshine
6. chocolate covered strawberries
7. family
8. sweet Avery
9. pantry full of food
10. peaceful babies, screaming babies, babies that wont sleep in the night, healthy babies
11. pictures......moments of thanksgiving

numbered wrong......

A recovery supper see earlier post......

Heavy Heart

22. Heaven
23. My Red Couch
24. A very giving six year old
25. Mimi, Gigi. Pa, Pa Randy
26. light through a window making shadows across a room
27. snuggies
28. friends
29. TR6
30. valentines
31. Aunt Aggie's Cow Patties
32. Chicken n dumplins and deviled eggs for recovery
33. cowgirl curtains
34. wild turkeys
35. blue skies and warm weather

I don't like death and the missing that comes. I have not quite grasped how to give thanks for pain.....I am not Job......more like David and his lamenting.....

Answered Prayer, Gifts, Goals

Avery did really good through his surgery yesterday, his condition was pretty severe, but they are able to fix it. I am so grateful and relived that he is ok. However, he will have to have a second procedure in about six months. That is going to be really hard, because he will know what to expect! He is really confused and irritable today...Nothing is making him happy. Thankful that Daniel came home and made him take a nap. I feel so bad for Avery. I know that he is terribly uncomfortable.

Prayer Journal....
Answered pray #1 Avery is safe, and I had to have God with me yesterday, because I got really emotional, because Avery was so scared and upset. I was able to compose myself, and I am thankful that my prayer was answered.

#2
God, please help Avery to heal,help him try to accept we are trying to help him, and please help him to be happy! Thank you for my children and husband, family, and friends.Please be with Nannee!

Gifts....
11. Good Doctors
12. Sleep
13. Goals
14. Names...meaning....understanding
15. Farmers
16. Cheese
17. Snowstorms
18. Bay and Palomino Horses
19. Cameras
20. Soft blankets
21. Nannees and Poppees

Seed - Naming things....driving nails....will help change resentment into gratitude and may help me to accept the mystery of my life that was so life changing.

Water - I need to be intentional in trying to figure out what God wants me to do. Anything worth doing is hard and hard things take practice....I am going to practice and set some goals for myself...read something on another Baby Lost Mom's blog, http://holybfpbatman.blogspot.com/ , that said that change comes from inspiration or desperation. I have had my change from desperation, now I am going to try to make a change through inspiration.


Bloom - I am inspired to make some positive changes intentionally, and I understand it might not be easy. "If you think of this world as a place intended simply for happiness, you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place of training and correction and it's not so bad." - CS Lewis.

Goal
1. Finish my list from my earlier posts. (Susan)
2. 31 Days to a better blog (Ok, I am putting myself out there.....I want to make some money by writing, so if anybody is out there reading this mess, and you have some connections to writing jobs please help....)"Anything hard takes practice, driving nails"......
3. 101 ways to get freelance work

Accountability, One Thousand Gifts

I need some serious motivation to be productive! I am so thankful to be able to stay home with Addie, but she is so beautiful all I do is hold her and stare at her. I need to be a little more productive and feel like I am in the real world.

Yesterday, two beautiful friends, Mandy and Margi and I, started One Thousand Gifts through the incourage book club www.incourage.me/2011/02/one-thousand-gifts-1.html. The book starts out with a very dark and poignant story about the loss of children, which hits very close to my heart. I know Mandy and Margi think that I probably knew this is how the book started, but I had not read that far. I just thought it was a book of gratitude.....Any how...this is my attempt at following and making concrete my list of 1,000 things I am thankful for.

1. Avery - his sweet caring soul....oh and how he smells so good - boredom leads to spraying moms perfume....a SWEET memory
2. Denton - my beautiful angel that brought only joy to my life.
3. Addie - my beautiful rainbow child - who brought joy back to our broken lives!
4. Daniel - the father of my beautiful children and our provider...
5. Friends - Mandy, Margi, and Katie - for putting up with my sad heart and trying to continue to cultivate a friendship despite my bitterness and lack of hope/belief So, I am going to try to fight my way back to hope......its hard to accept things we don't have answers to when they ARE so life changing.
6. Addie's soft long beautiful arm
7. The crazy little bump in her ear that I DID NOT put there, both ears have it.
8. Avery went from a 40 to 108 on his spelling test despite his "terrible tummy and headache"....way to improve little buddy!
9. Birds
10. Mamaws and Papaws

Now for my list of goals!
Today...
1. Take down the Christmas Tree
2. Love Avery and Addie
3. Make Avery is favorite supper bowtie pasta

Tomorrow
Have faith and know that everything will be ok with Avery and his procedure. Be calm and love Avery and Addie.

Wednesday and beyond.......
1. Take care of Avery and Addie
2. Farm Bureau Article
2b.DGB tax letters
3. Finish addressing and mailing Addie's Announcements
4. Thank you notes - Amanda Willmore, Aunt Karen, Susan, Virginia, Margi, Beverly, the Brown Ladies,Bang Bang
5. Write Leila
6. Unspoken - will report later if I have success....
7. DGB 5 K Planning - Check out Striders, would welcome help from anyone
8. Find a traveling partner for Peacock Strides for SIDS
9. Call Stephanie, Tiny Handprints
10. Finish Crossstich for Denton and Avery
11. Start Crossstich for Addie
12. Make Addie a dress
13. Exercise - this should be higher on my to do list
14. Prayer journal, to record the answers to my prayers......answered or not....have gratitude and not resentment.
15. Work with Zip and take Avery to a horse show

I just needed to make a list for myself...Need to see that I am accomplishing some things.

So thankful for my three children, husband, and friends.

My feelings may not be seen on the outside, but I am thankful and blessed, I do feel gratitude for my MANY BLESSINGS, and I will strive to find grace even in situations that I would not have chosen, or that I would have changed the outcome of. STRIVE, STRIVE, STRIVE

Please keep Avery in your prayers tomorrow. Please also pray that Addie does not get sick, we have no choice other than to take her with us. So many things are the same as when Denton was born....Avery had his tonsils out when Denton was about eight weeks old. It is hard to face the possibility that something could happen to your child, and I know too well that things can. I am struggling with faith, so please lift us up in prayer.

God please keep Avery safe tomorrow, and give me strength to be calm and love Avery through this! (Prayer journal entry #1)