Defined

GREASE
On April 24th, 2009, the day after Denton's death a yellow and blue plump bird perched itself on my riding arena and quickly disappeared. Daniel and I both saw it. We have looked and waited pretty much everyday since.

Today it appeared again! Sitting on a power line. I caught few pictures, but they are not very good or close, but its there.


GRIEF
Also, Daniel and I have had this ongoing conversation about not letting Denton's death define us. Maybe Daniel is doing a good job of that, if that's what needs to happen, but I am not ready to let go of it yet. I need it to define me for a while, so that it can help me to find the meaning in it. I KNOW that God did not allow this to happen for no reason. He would not allow this much pain in a person's life with out some purpose.

Denton's death is certainly the most emotionally and spiritually draining event that I have ever experienced. In fact, I really think that I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, even if I have to diagnose myself. I am pretty sure that other people that have PTS do experience a major change if not definition of their lives because of the event that caused it.

So, if I don't want Denton's death to define me how do I want to be defined? These are certainly not in the order they should be, but this is honestly how I feel. I would like to be defined as a good mother (I honestly believer that I am a good mother, but it is embarrassing to have a dead baby - so I guess I will just have to prove this one to myself), a good wife, compassionate, thoughtful, hardworking, and a good friend. I want to be a good christian, but that is a work in progress and God knows what he created......

For those of you who say I am strong and to just hang in.....those are the two most common comments I get. When you don't have anything to hang on to, you may appear strong. I am not strong; I am weak, broken, and devastated.....I have no other choice but to be "OK". When really I am NOT OK.

Tabitha Tudor's (a thirteen year old Nashville girl who went missing seven years ago) father was on TV a few minutes ago and said that it never gets easier. It's not any easier today than it was a year ago, probably worse......but like Mr. Bob Willis says, you learn to deal with it.....I think I am learning to deal with it, but it is not ever going to go away, not till I get to heaven.

Denton, I miss you so much.

GRACE
Today was also a good day.....Avery's year to "officially" attend Farm City Day.














10 things that make me happy.....
1. Pictures of Denton
2. Avery in Camo
3. My Mamaw and Papaw's House
4. Yellow Birds
5. Ponies
6. Jersey Cows
7. Cheesecake
8. Irises - especially my Mamaw Bessie's
9. Purple Flowers
10. "Lucky" both of them

April Kittens

I have struggled with knowing what to post on my blog, because I want it to help other people. I was told yesterday that I should just post what I feel, because it could be helpful to someone. If you know me this will probably make you cry, so just beware, its real. It’s real thoughts. Know that it is healing for me to get these thought out of my head and off my chest. The CAT STORY IS TRUE REAL…..The first part is sad but keep reading, then it gets sad again…..anyway….just fair warning…..

Last year on April 22, the evening before Denton passed away, Daniel, Avery, Denton, and I went and got a mother cat and five kittens from a friend (Avery had been asking for kittens for about nine months). On the way to get them Daniel and I both looked at each other and said, "something bad is going to happen??" - Our lives were to perfect at that moment, but....we were so thankful, grateful, happy, content, and peaceful. We were so happy for our beautiful boys, and our blessings, our future.....
We get back to the house with our mother cat and kittens, and the mother cat is traumatized and escapes out of the box, never to return again.....Daniel and I look at each other and say, "maybe this is our bad thing." So we went to dinner at O'Charley's in Manchester thinking that the mother cat would come back if we left for a little while. She never came back........
I took the kittens to school with me the next day, picked up kitten formula from the vet clinic, and dropped Denton off at the sitter's, not knowing what would happen that HORRIBLE,HORRIBLE,HORRIBLE,HORRIBLE,HORRIBLE....DAY.......I worried about those stupid kittens all day....several of my students adopted the kittens before the end of the day, but little did I know that my angel Denton was going to fly to heaven instead of/with those dumb cats, that know I feel like cursed our family………………………………………………………………………............................................................................
So, AVERY SAVED A KITTEN, on Saturday, exactly a year and one day later....the story goes.....We have a mother kitten and five baby kittens (we started out with six, but one disappeared).We watched the mother cat give birth to them, so we knew exactly how old they were, two weeks old, and they have been in the same spot for two weeks. Most mother kittens move their babies! Anyway! This one did not, but it started raining on Saturday, and the rain was dripping off the roof in a puddle right down onto where the kittens had been. She finally moved them around the corner of the house. I had checked on them after the rain started, saw that they had been moved and didn't worry about them anymore.
Later....Avery said, “I am going to check on the kittens”, so I told him not to get scared that the mother had moved them. He took the initiative to look anyway at where they had been....and two seconds later came running back in the house with a very, cold, wet, and unresponsive kitten. I really don't think that I could have dealt with another dead kitten on a date in late April, so God helped us fix that kitten. It took almost 45 min of blow drying to warm, dry, and resuscitate the kitten, but it is now fine. Premonitions, coincidence, a sign, I am not really sure, but saving that kitten placed a little hope back into my heart.

Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of Denton's burial. People have made comments on FB about how they can't believe it has been a year. It feels like three lifetimes to me, but the bible says that this life is but a fleeting moment or a passing breeze....Looking forward to a life without pain and grief....

I miss you sweet baby Denton, I miss the happiness you brought to our lives, I miss the innocence and naivety I had before your death, I miss the freedom I had to think that things would work out, I miss the promises of tomorrow, I miss the future, I miss being able to plan fun things to do, I miss the opportunity to dream about you growing up, I miss all of your laughs, I miss you first steps, your first words, your kisses, hugs, your childhood, you adulthood, your wife, your children, my grandchildren. I miss you, but I also miss all of the things that a mother dreams that her children will do. I am grief stricken for you, but also for all of the things that you were going to be........I can see that God will use our loss for good, but if there was ANYTHING I could do to bring you back I would do it in a heartbeat! I can see that I think differently, I think that I could console another person who loses a child, something that I would never have been able to do before. I hope no one I know will ever have to deal with the death of their child, but I feel that someday, what I have learned from all of this will be used to help someone else navigate out of the fog. I am more compassionate, more understanding, and more knowledgeable.....But I still miss Denton and as long as I live I will miss him.

The death of a child is not something that a parent gets over, it is something that the parent learns to cope with. It is like nothing else, I was going to compare it to a ball and chain, a dragon in the closet, a flat tire, a toothache.....There is nothing to compare it to....You can live with all or those things...You can find somebody to remove the ball and chain, you can slay the dragon or shut the closet door and forget, you can fix a flat tire, you can pull a rotten tooth. You can't live with, remove, slay, fix, or pull, the death of a child. It is done, gone, permanent, tragic, painful, illogical.....And on days like birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries its hard, but its hard just like every other day.....Every day, Daniel and I get up and have to endure the day knowing that we don't know what could happen, and knowing that what we want to happen the most, probably/definitely won't happen.

I read yesterday that God answers all prayers, however sometimes his answer is no. Daniel and I have been sifted/are being sifted like wheat. On April 22, 2009, we could not have been more thankful to God for our blessings.....On April 23,2009, we faced the worst day that a parent can face. I am glad I don't have to dread the worst day of my life....it has already happened......So, I guess all I have left to do is to move forward, that's all you have left to do when you feel like you have been placed back on the starting block...............................................................

Move forward, move forward, one second at a time, one moment at a time, one breath, that's what we do. Yes, there are moments of joy, there are moments of laughter, there are moments of gratefulness, moments of hope, but in between those moments there are moments of sorrow, tears, fears, anxiety, pride, doubt, pain. It is tiring to hold it together on a daily basis.....Thank you to those people that remember Denton, that allow us to cry, that don't expect us to be over it....Thank you for letting us be real. Denton was only with us for eleven and a half weeks, but our plan was for him to be with us for a lifetime. We grieve for Denton, but we also grieve for our future and Denton's future, Avery's future without his brother, and what we thought we would enjoy forever.

God, Please kiss and hug my boy and tell him how much I love him!
We will move forward, we will take baby steps, we will be ok, but it was not our hope, or our desire, it was not our plan. I don't think it was God's plan either, but I do think that God can help us to use it for the good of others.
Lord, thank you for giving us Denton and Avery. Thank you for blessing our family with Denton's life even if it was only for a short time. Thank you for giving us beauty, flowers, and resurrection. Help us to bless others even through our loss. Help us to know the right things to say and do.

Picture by Dana's Digital, Manchester, TN

Tommorrow is going to be hard, but not nearly as hard as it was one year ago. I could never have imagined the pain that we have endured over the past year until I experienced it myself. In honor of Denton's life tommorrow we are making a donation to CJ SIDS. We will mail a check to the FFA Foundation to start a scholar...ship in Memor...y of Denton, and we will purchase kits to distribute to local hospitals to support families that my face this same tragedy. We will also mail off our 501c3 paperwork- this weekend sometime. None of this would have been possible without the support of our friends and community businesses. Stay tuned for more updates about the 2010 DGB Foundation Fundraiser. I think it will be "Cowboy"! Denton, we miss you more than words could ever say. We hope you enjoy your "Angel Day" in heaven. We love you!

I am participating in the Beth Moore Study Believing God. We are on the 4th week. She is truly amazing. I just wanted to say that I feel like I am sifted like wheat - I could totally relate to what she was saying, and I am so glad that she talked about how she was not sinning when she was being sifted and that she was earnestly seeking God. I truly needed to hear what she had to say. I am glad to know that God only sifts people if he has to, and when he does that he is praying for us while we are being sifted. He only does this because of Pride, Victimization, and Impurity. I understand better, but I wish that I could have not been sifted.....It's hurts, it's scary, and it's lonely, and I miss Denton's presence with all of my heart.

There were a lot of things that I would have liked to have opened up about to night, but I just did not know how or if it was appropriate. I desperately need prayers and even more I need feedback, I need honesty, and opinions. I know many of you don't know what to say to Daniel and I, but I need feedback. I need honest encouragement - not to just to be joyful and happy, but to be useful to God. To be a good mother to Avery, and to accomplish whatever purpose I am still here for.

Daniel and I have been talking about how Denton's death should not define our lives, but it has definitely changed them.....

Denton's life had a purpose! Please, please, please help me to figure out how to use it.

I posted on facebook that I would like to develop some kind of care package for hospitals to give out to parents that have unexpectedly lost a child - it should include some way to preserve hand and footprints, a lock or hair, and/or casting, pictures, ect......Any ideas on how or where to purchase these items would be appreciated.

I am so thankful to Mandy for leading this Bible Study. I know that it is not something that you probably intended to do, but I truly appreciate what you do and are doing. I truly appreciate your friendship. You make a huge difference in my life, and in the lives of others.

Luke 22:31-32

I just came across this exciting opportunity. It would be my dream to be able to write and speak to audiences and feel like I was making a difference some how. I don't know that I can attend this conference, but I would like some prayers in this direction of my life. I thought I would share this link with all of my two followers......Maybe I have some secret followers out there.....

www.proverbs31.org

Check out the She Speaks Conference and the link on Lysa's Blog titled, When God Hurts your feelings.

Tired.....I am tired of having to be a bereaved mother. I miss Denton and want him back!

In addition to being tired....I found out today that Avery has been telling his ESP teacher all year that he did not have a folder, so he did not have to do his homework. It is really embarrassing to have to post this, but I thought I needed to document the fact that my five year old was smart enough to consistently lie about something for almost an entire school year.

I wish I could be more positive. It was a beautiful day.

I love both of my boys very much.

"Before you were born I carried you under my heart. From the moment you arrived in this world until the the moment I leave it, I will always carry you in it." - Mandy Harrison