February 1, 2010
Denton,
I don’t really have words to say how much my heart aches for you. There is really no way to describe every way that I miss you. You are my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. I don’t know what you would be like, but I have lots of things pictured in my mind.
I want to think about the day you were born. How happy and relieved that your Daddy and I were, and how grateful we were for you and for Avery. You were perfect! You were so beautiful and peaceful. You were in fact the most peaceful baby I have ever been around. You never really cried, ever. I want to picture in my mind the several mornings that I would look over in your crib and you would just smile, so big. Those are the most precious memories that I have. The second your brother Avery held you for the first time will be ingrained in my mind forever. I will never forget how happy and excited he looked. That was truly the most wonderful moment of my life.
Random Happy Thoughts……Monkey Toes, Denton Buddy, Your pretty face, Avery pulling your socks off, I can see you sleeping so peaceful in your swing, your Mamaw talking “funny” to you, your papaw holding you in his blue chair, Gigi being so proud and helpful, you curled up in a ball on Pa Randy’s chest, the trip to the beach with Aunt Sarah, our first trip to Wal-Mart, FFA Convention, sleeping in drawers, putting you in the Easter basket, Katie getting to feed you on our trip to Murfreesboro, your sweet face in the MTSU outfit that Avery wore, the last time I fed you, the last moment I looked at you, how I looked so forward to seeing you during the day that I would find out I would not........
The truth is that instead of sweet memories I think of the day you died.....I wish so much that I could put that day out of my mind. The dreams that we lost that day......... What we wanted more than anything was for Avery to have a little brother to play with, teach, help, love, and grow with. That loss is one that hurts the most.
I did learn something that day........and I have not told anybody this story till now. I was alone, no one that I knew was around me, so no one can verify this but, as I walked in to the room where your body was laying and I screamed, “Please God a miracle, just a miracle”....I could feel and hear the gasps that the nurses and doctors let out as I said those words.....But, I can also tell you that at that moment, was the only time in my life, so far that I can truly tell you God spoke to me. He said, “Denton was a miracle!” Truly, Denton was....I am still finding out how Denton was a miracle. Somehow, Denton, your life will change people. Denton’s life has changed me......I hope that it will change lots of people. Mostly, I hope that you will change all of our family.
God was truly there in the days following your death......In fact he was there before. The night before Denton died God was there…..preparing us for what was to come. Daniel, Avery, Denton and I shared our last meal together at O’Charley’s the night before Denton passed……I remember on our way there Daniel and I looked at each other and said this is too good, something bad is going to happen. Those words actually came out of my mouth that night.
I know God is real, I know he cares about us, I know that he wrapped Denton up and took him to heaven, and that Denton is surrounded by people that love him.....The first few days God’s Spirit truly surrounded us. But then I started questioning him......I don’t understand why we have to suffer loosing Denton, why we have to feel this pain. Why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hope God took Denton so that we would have a better life, that we could appreciate the little things, so that we could make it through life understanding that it is just temporary, to give us strength, to help others, and to make us aware of our blessings. At times, I get really angry at God, because I don’t think that I was that horrible of a person, that I was so selfish, stubborn, or ungrateful. Maybe I was.............
Because of Denton……I want to be a better person, I want to be there for other people, I want to be thankful for what we have, I want to be a good mother, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, teacher, and friend. I want to be those for the people that are still here and for you Denton!
Denton, you will only know love, you will never feel pain, have heartache, hurt, loneliness, disappointment, unfair treatment, challenge.......You will only know love.
I am so thankful that you were in our lives. I wish that I did not know this pain that I feel, but I do know that we have a baby and little brother waiting on us in heaven.
If you do not share the common bond of losing a child, then don’t even try to understand the emptiness that we feel. I can remember the empathy that I felt as I left the funeral of Matthew Robert Brown, Jr., the son of Natalie and Matt Brown. I was overcome by sorrow for them. I remember thinking about how they must feel. I now know, and it is unexplainable. You really cannot imagine the depths of sorrow till you have been there, and even then it is different for each person.
We have a long road to travel. Daniel and I have and will continue to change because of our loss. Please forgive me mostly (and Daniel) when we are distant, sad, and don’t have anything to say.
One of the hardest things that I face is being in the presence of a baby – it is the worst reminder of our loss. (I hate that I feel that way – but even the sight of a car seat makes me nauseous and my heart beat fluctuate). You just think about how you feel when you look at a new baby. I feel the opposite; it probably has something to do with holding my dead baby for ten hours. I don’t think anyone can really understand how that feels, even if you were there, even if you loved Denton! My pain as his mother is unlike anyone else’s.
I can see that it is even hard for Avery to look at a baby. At five years old he knows that it is hard for me. He just looks, looks back at me, and then does not say anything because he knows that he is sad, and that we are sad. He too understands the depth of our loss.
I know people are empathetic, I know that each of you hurt for Denton and for us. We need your empathy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nonetheless, even if I am surrounded by hundreds of people I still feel abandoned. I feel abandoned by God, not by people. At the bottomless pit of sorrow people are not who you focus on…..it is the feeling that God is not real or that he is/was not there.
I can tell you that I am not abandoned…..I felt God’s Spirit surrounding me the second that Daniel called me on April 23rd……I don’t know how I drove myself to the hospital……I felt God’s spirit pick me up off that hospital floor. I felt his arms around me as I sat there with my dead baby. I heard him tell me that Denton was a miracle. That’s what I feel in my heart; it is not what makes sense in my mind; if I question. So, forgive me when I am short, seem inconsiderate, irrational, or self centered. I am really sorry that I act those ways.
“We didn’t want and angel, we only wanted Denton.” The reality of it is hard to swallow.
There is nothing at all good that comes from losing a child. I think that there are good things that can happen afterwards, but that does not make up for the pain and loss. I could have a million more children, but the whole in my heart will not ever be filled by the one left there by the loss of Denton. If you have not lost a child you cannot fathom the depths of hurt, and please don’t try. Just be thankful for what you have and don’t ever try to understand how a bereaved parent feels. You don’t want to know!
I am so thankful for Avery, he is our reason for living. For now, I have to know that I have a beautiful baby waiting for me in Heaven and one to take care of here.
For those of you that have so bravely shown us that you care and that you want to help us carry on Denton’s legacy…..Thank you. We could not go on without the support from our friends. We need you. We are truly grateful. Thank you. Don’t feel bad when you make us cry, but instead feel good because you were concerned enough to allow us to be real. So much of my time is spent trying to control our feelings, it gets tiring. Thank you for allowing us to just feel.
I want to feel joy and happiness. On Denton’s first birthday I will strive to find some joy, because he was true happiness and a gift. We loved and wanted him so much.
The following are things that have helped me in the last couple of days and weeks. Daniel, Avery, and I are on a journey. It is a hard one, so be patient with us, please continue to encourage us, show us you care, come cry with us, remember Denton, talk about him, send us pictures of him, or pictures or things that remind you of him. Tell us when you think about him, when something reminds you of him, when you feel like you need to do something because of him. Those moments and gestures fuel us on. Without them we get stuck. I really believe that when I open up my heart and let God in that he sends people just at the right time to motivate us. We are thankful for those moments.
Glory Baby by Watermark
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know
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The Death of a Little Child – James Vernon McGee
"The death of an infant, however, causes all of us to struggle with the will and purpose of God. It seems strange that God would grant the gift of life and then cause it to be snuffed out before it could blossom into a stage of usefulness. But we can be sure that there is a purpose in such a life, even if it is not immediately discernable.
James Vernon McGee again says that when a shepherd seeks to lead his sheep to better grass up the winding, thorny mountain paths, he often finds that the sheep will not follow him. They fear the unknown ridges and the sharp rocks. The shepherd will then reach into the flock and take a little lamb on one arm and another on his other arm. Then he starts up the precipitous pathway.
Soon, the two mother sheep begin to follow, and afterward the entire flock. Thus they ascend the tortuous path to greener pastures.
So it is with the Good Shepherd. Sometimes He reaches into the flock and takes a lamb to Himself. He uses the experience to lead His people, to lead His people, to lift them to new heights of commitment as they follow the little lamb all the way home."
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God, Thank you for your blessings - for Avery, Daniel, Denton, and our families. Thank you for dying on the cross for our sins and selfishness, so that we can live in heaven for eternity. Thank you for praying for us when we are too sad to do it ourselves. Thank you for giving us Denton and showing us a miracle. Please be with us and help us understand this pain, and show us how to use it to help other people. Help us to do your will and be closer to you. Please show us what you want us to do with our lives. Take care of our baby Denton in heaven and hug and kiss him for us. In your name we pray.
We miss you so much Denton Buddy, and we hope you are having a wonderful 1st Birthday in heaven.
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Because of You – Jody Ferlaack
"Because of you I have laughed my loudest, cried my hardest and searched the deepest part of me. I have realized my weaknesses and discovered new strengths. I have shared my soul with others.
Because of you I have learned to live in the moment and appreciate the present. I have learned to be quiet and reflect on the past. I have gained new insights and sought new purpose in life. I have learned when to hold on and learned to let go. I have learned to embrace what I cannot see and I have deepened my faith in the future.
Because of you I am more grateful, more humble, more sensitive and more forgiving. I am more open, more joyful, more confident and more hopeful. Although you only physically touched me for three short months, your spirit still inspires me each and every day.”
