Encouragement

Encouragement for myself and others.

“It is a huge danger to pretend that awful things do not happen. But you need enough hope to keep going. I am trying to make hope. Flowers grow out of darkness.” Corita Kent

There are no words to say to fill the emptiness that we all feel after loosing a child. The deep wounded hole that we all carry around in our hearts will always be there. The loss of a child for me was a loss of the future, self, control, safety, peace, confidence, and contentment. To others it may have been all of those things and more. The loss is different for everyone. For me personally, I am a very spiritual person. I have always been spiritual, but I did/do not have an in depth knowledge of the bible and its teachings. My spirituality is a continual journey built on life experiences and my belief in Jesus Christ. In the past year my knowledge has grown exponentially, because of my search for understanding and acceptance of our loss. I can truly understand those of you that might not understand or believe in God, but my belief is that he is real and his ways will make our life on earth bearable. Most importantly, He will make our life supremely happy for eternity.

I grew up understanding the basic principles of being a good person and doing good things for other people – you know the golden rule, and the Ten Commandments. The few times I did attend church, I developed the belief that if I was a good person and did good things for other people, God would bless me and protect me. I thought I was going to be protected from horrible tragedies.

The reality is that God never promised us a life on earth that was free from tragedy and heartache. I have been very angry with God for not saving Denton, but when God allowed Jesus to die on the cross my Denton was saved and given eternal life. My anger is really not justified through being angry at God – I am still angry that Denton died, and I think that God can handle my anger. The tragedy surrounding Denton’s death was not caused by God. It was a horrible earthly tragedy. Yes, God could have worked a miracle and saved Denton, but I would have missed the lessons that Denton’s life and Denton’s death have taught me. I have to believe that God saw the good that was going to come from my loss. Denton was a miracle from God – all children are. If Denton had not passed away, I probably would not ever fully comprehend or appreciate the small wonders and blessings in everyday life. I wouldn’t understand that some things are more important than others. I would not be as compassionate. I would not be encouraged by other people who have faced horrible tragedies and their ability to triumph over them. I would not have the ability to overcome obstacles and trials that I may face in the future.

If I could change what happened I would in the blink of an eye. Nonetheless, I have come to the conclusion that the only good, productive, and positive choice I have the ability to make is to be thankful that Denton was in our lives. I have also learned that I have to be thankful in order to appreciate the small things that happen each day. The alternative choice is resentment, pity, regrets, and sadness. Who wants to live a life full of those feelings?

Choose to be thankful for the life of your child;cherish the experience of knowing your child. Accept the grace that God freely gives and rest assured that one day you will see your precious child. In the meantime enjoy the signs and wonders around you…..I can truly feel Denton’s precious spirit in the birds of the sky, the stars at night, the sunrise in the morning, the bud of a flower, and the kindness of friends.

You are not alone in this walk….there are so many families that loose loved ones, including God himself. John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world, he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” It is amazing to me the many stories in the bible that talk of loosing a child. Then I look at everyday life and I am astonished at how often people loose children to miscarriage, car accidents, disease, and accidents. Until you loose a child you are unaware of how often and how deeply these people must hurt. When you loose a child you are embraced by a world of hurt and pain. I am there, but I am now encouraged by people that are able to move forward and live a life of gratefulness and compassion despite this world they now must endure.

If you are just beginning your walk - it is going to take a while to get to this place. I am a year into my journey, and I am just now able to see the productive “childless” families walking the road ahead of me. For a long time I felt that I was the only one on the road. I encourage you to find someone to encourage you - facebook, your church, a support group, such as Compassionate Friends, or a foundation. There are days of joy, happiness, and grace ahead. You have to make the choice to accept and embrace them as they come. I am so sorry for your loss, as I am for my own.

I leave you with two prayers that have given me strength.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.

- Mary Elizabeth Frye





God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
- Reinhold Niebuhr



“Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” –Nathaniel Hawthorne

I miss you Denton! You are in my heart sweet boy.

Grace

Choices and Ask

I just finished reading, A Grace Disguised. I am glad that my thoughts are not unlike others that have suffered loss. Some of the things that stood out in my mind.....

I still have a long way to go in the grieving process.

I have this horrible feeling that I am alone,that no one understands, and no one cares. I think that after reading this book - people do care, but just like I did, before Denton's death - people don't want to be bothered by a situation, and until they make a conscious effort to be involved in a situation and they are willing to sacrifice time and energy then they normally "conveniently" forget what has happened to others. (That was a great run on sentence :)

So, I think that from now on I will ask myself if I can conscientiously disconnect from a situation, or tragedy without feeling guilty. If my answer is no, then I will understand that I will have to make a conscience effort to sacrifice with a willing and positive attitude. People in tragedy mode do not need help two hours, two days, or two weeks after the tragedy they need help two months, six months, a year, two years, three years......It's everyday that is hard - not just special days like mother's day, birthdays, anniversaries........It's harder six months after than it is two days after. I personally probably went six months on auto pilot - shock mode.

I know that there are a lot of people that I need to do things for, that I conveniently forget about, because it is an inconvenience........I will try to do much better.

I also began reading, I Will Carry You,which was sent by sweet Ella Brown Weaver! And I learned my lesson! I need to ask for help. I just need to ask - usually if I ask I get what I need. Why am I so stubborn. I don't need to deal with loosing Denton by myself. I also don't need to feel like I need to save the whole world by myself - other people want to help....Helping someone is a conscious choice to be inconvenienced, but with a joyous heart.

Prayers....
Thank you God for Avery and Denton. Thank you for Daniel. Thank you for my family and friends. Thank you for birds, flowers, mountains, and blue skies. Please wrap your arms around the mother who lost her baby this week and welcome that child into your arms. I am so saddened by this event, and hope that I can help in someway. Hug my baby Denton - I miss him so much!!!!!!!!Please heal or fix or answer my unspoken request, or give me some peace about it, and give me the strength to get help if needed. Please be with Katie and her family and give strength back to Granby and to their family. Please be with Callie, Jami, and Jason and their families. In your name I pray.

Prayers

My thoughts and prayers are with my friend Katie and her family today, as they care for their beloved, Granby.

I don't have anymore words to say - but I wish I was with Katie, so I could hug her.

Change and Priorities are my words for the day. Life is always going to change, and you have learn how to live with those changes, wether you like them or not. You also have to understand your priorities, and not be overcome by things that don't matter. I should really absorb and practice what I write! Easier said than done.......