Well….. It has been about 30 weeks since I have posted on my blog. I have not had words to describe the emotions that we have been through in those thirty weeks, continue, to go through, and will face in the next few weeks or days. The last time I posted, I had a sneaking suspicion that I was pregnant. The first nine weeks of the pregnancy did not go well. I will spare everyone from the details, but my first ultrasound showed and empty amniotic sac and no baby. We waited three weeks for another ultrasound and in the mean time I was told that my hormone levels, which would indicate a successful pregnancy, were very low. My OB decided to schedule me for a D&C. To say the least I was a mess!!!!!!!! Two beautiful nurse friends of mine (Donnett and Angie) encouraged me to not give up, so we scheduled the D&C, but I persuaded our Dr. to do one last ultrasound and that’s when the “experienced” ultrasound tech found a nine week old baby and a strong heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Daniel and I, were quite speechless, but, I think in our hearts (but not our minds) we knew that things were really ok. Our Dr. was speechless and told us that in her 25 yrs of experiences that she had never seen this outcome based on my blood tests and first ultrasound. She held a meeting with her colleagues, and hopefully changed some practice procedures. It just makes us wonder how many women have D&Cs without waiting or have them unnecessarily based on a few lab tests.
Our Dr. has been wonderful since…..she has been overly cautious and extremely compassionate based on our circumstances and after losing Denton.
EXCITING
So, we are expecting a little girl, Addelia Rose, anytime!!!!!! Addie is Daniel’s great-grandmother’s name. Of course he did not know this till I pointed it out. Avery wanted to name his little sister Lia, so we compromised! The Rose comes from my Mamaw. We will call her Addie Rose. There are also “A’s” for Avery and “Ds” for Denton!
COINCEDENCES
I also want to point out that Denton died on 4-23-09. I hate the 23rd of each month. I hate the 23rd minute of every hour, and I pretty much just hate the number 23, but…….Apparently, Addie was conceived on April 23rd, which, is physically impossible, but that’s what the Dr. says…..Addie and Denton will also be 23 months apart. Crazy…..The Dr. even refers to her as our miracle baby, and I guess I would agree. Anyway……I still don’t like the number 23…..but I guess it’s just a number.
REALITY
I can’t explain the emotions that we are going to feel as we really get ready to welcome this new baby into our lives. I loved her the second I thought I was pregnant. I can imagine her when she is two or three already, and I daydream of the love and fun that we will have when she reaches this age……..BUT our reality, keeps me from dreaming about this too much. I wish that I could let go of my fears. But they are real! The pain of missing Denton and the barriers that I have built up around my heart, and myself are strong and real. I have no idea how I will be able to break these walls down. I know that I love Addie so much, and I miss Denton terribly. When I see a little boy, that would be Denton’s age now, or that is around three months old, I just want to kidnap them. I know that makes me sound like a deranged and bereaved mother, but it is a true reality that I face almost daily.
REAL- THINGS PEOPLE SAY……Compared to how I feel!
I want people to be compassionate towards me, and I do feel entitled to sympathy from others, but no one really knows the pain that I deal with, and the reality of losing Denton. I know my family members are sorry that it happened, but as his mother, my pain is totally different. People seem to think that I should just move on….and be happy……which I wish I could do!!!!! Really, it would be so awesome to just be at peace and be happy. I don’t even know how that would feel anymore…… I do have moments of happiness, and I have experience a few, that I hope I can catch you up on in the coming months.
I can’t explain how much I HATE the medically related mathematical/statistical explanations and decisions that will be made in regards to this child. There is a 1 in 1000 chance that a baby will die of SIDS, but most of them have some type of risk factor. Denton had no risk factors…..We are facing several really big decisions in regards to the care of this baby that are not supported by pediatricians. People say to me all the time, “everything will be fine.” “It is in God’s hands.” “Things will work out.” Well, my reality tells me that things might not be fine……I left Denton in God’s hands…..Things did not work out the way I think that they were supposed to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know that God is with us all the time, I feel that he is sorry for what happened, and that he grieves with us. I know that he is turning our mourning into joy, by giving us this precious baby girl. However, I would much rather have not experienced the pain of losing Denton. I am not in a place right now where I can turn things over to God, and let him take care of things, I am just not. I would like to be there, and I wish that I could just let go of this burden I am carrying around. It is heavy, really, really heavy.
I want to be happy and carefree! What a freeing feeling that would be!!!!!! I totally miss that feeling. To be happy and carefree, oh how I wish I could feel that again.
I know my fears are justifiable, because Avery, makes comments about Addie living. He asks questions about her dying. Just recently he asked if Denton could come back to life. So, I know my fears are not made up, when a six year old boy, feels them too.
Please pray for us…….Please pray that there will be peace in our lives again. Please pray that Addie and Denton outlive me. I can’t lose another child…..I will break! To add to all of my anxiety, Avery is going to have exploratory surgery soon. This all seems like de ja vue……….New baby, and Avery having a surgery….It is just a little too much.
Again, I so, wish I could just relax and enjoy the moments that we will experience……..
My fears are real, my pain is still raw, I am missing a little boy that should be in our lives. That is just real. I don’t know or understand why Denton died. I still can’t believe that it really happened. I can’t believe that I have buried a child, and I don’t like the fact that I have to find ways to love him even thought he is not here physically. I do feel that he is in my heart, and I can feel his presence. I feel sorry for myself……..even though I do know and appreciate how blessed I am. There are a lot of things that I would give up to just have my Denton back in our lives. But, I logically know that is impossible. Maybe someday…..I can come to grips with what happened……One day……………..
If you are reading this, thank you for letting me get this off of my chest. I do apologize for being distant, cranky, and often times hard to understand and be around. I know people try to say things to make me feel better, and that are meant for encouragement or just small talk……I still am not responding well to those types of comments. In regards to being excited about this baby….I am, but I am also fearful!!!!!! I feel like people don’t want to hear that response. “Are you ready for this baby to get here?” Is a questions I hear often…..Well, I am not sure……I am scared! Do people want to hear that??????? When I am truthful with my answer…..I then get….”Well, it’s in God’s hand.” Or “Things will be ok.” My reality tells me differently. So, if I have been short, curt, and seem unhappy, please try to remember what I lost.
I love you Denton…..I miss you……You are always in my heart…..and one day I will be able to love you for all eternity…….
Again, thank you for letting me get this off my chest.
I hope that I can post some more up lifting posts and I plan to update the blog, and highlight the good things that have happened in the past eight months.
We are going to anticipate having a beautiful, healthy, baby girl….and that our family will somehow find peace and happiness…………
